The Amazing Adventures of Mike

Oh Hi!

2006-12-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm an awful blogger. The first step towards recover is to admit that you have a problem and I feel that I can make some amends by posting a few pics of my forays across Europe since my last posting. Sadly, most of my time has been consumed by my job, which still rocks, but I've suddenly taken to disappearing for long weekends to the bewilderment of many people including my housemates. One might even say that I may be under the influence of my girlfriend as she whispers sweet nothings into my ear... but this is neither here nor there as she retains absolutely no power over me whatsoever. None at all.

So just to recap. I am a scientist, a medical geneticist to be specific. I live in Cambridge, England. I am male. I am an american. My 'a's and 'r's have softened but I still speak with an american accent. I have been to Porto, Paris, and Dublin in the past 2 months and I plan to visit Marrakesh, Siena, Oslo, and Kathmandu in the new year. And I clipped the nail too short on my left little toe, so now it stings when I walk.

Porto, Portugal: Gorgeous river, incredible wine, freakish teenagers in black capes, what's not to like?

Paris: Jardin du Luxembourg, the park Napoleon dedicated to the children of Paris, it is simply the most idyllic place I've ever seen.

Paris: What's that? You said Paris has ornate buildings? (they're in the middle of erecting an ice rink out front)

Lucca, Italy: A little blast from this past summer. This city has never fallen to invaders. The reason? It has a 40 foot high, 40 foot thick wall around it! (now a park)

Near Zurich, Switzerland: My god, I need to shave.

Eurotrip! The Pope survives again.

2006-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

Just back from Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. It was amazing and had such an ass kickin' time with Dana, Martin, Aryn and Ross! I'll see you and all my Seattle homies at Xmas (if not sooner!) for Aryn and Kevin's cat's veterinary appointment!

This is absolutely hysterical! (Stephen Colbert's interview of Georgian Congressman Westmoreland)...

Watch the video!

PS: Congressmen like this should never have been allowed past puberty.

USA v CZE

2006-06-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

Landon Donovan may talk a good game and be a leader in practice, but he is certainly not a leader on the pitch where it matters. He should receive a vasectomy with a lawnmower.

Beasley played like he was still on the bench at PSV. He should stay there until he can elevate his skirt to European level.

Convey had one nifty move (Robben/Cole-esque) but at least he showed some resemblence of creativity. This is due to his muted attempt at Euro-hair. Props. He shall only be banished to the first ring of Hell.

Oguchi was a pitbull the first 3 minutes. Patience, my son. You will join your mates at Reading soon enough. The rest of the time you were solid. No punishment this day.

Reyna. You cannot be faulted for hitting the post, but you can be smacked in the face with a leaky sack of half-cooked haggis for captaining this "team." Consider yourself lucky.

John, why is it you are the only one who seems to subscribe to Total Football magazine? Could it be you are also alone in finishing the tablemat mazes at American diners? (please notice the analogy to threading that last pass)

Eddie Johnson and Clint D. You two are the only ones who are not/will not be intimidated. You are arrogant enough to think that Pavel and Totti are types of soap to clean your butt crack with. Please inform the rest of the team as such.

That is all.

Oh My God...

2006-06-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Mike, The Travel Guide

2006-05-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

Hey what's up guys? So one of my best friends over here is flying out to Seattle in mid-June to attend a statistical genetics workshop at the UW. She's absolutely amazing, so I told her I'd make up a little "things to do" about Seattle, and I thought I'd post it here as well. I have to admit it was something of a labor of love, I just couldn't stop writing! (btw, if anyone wants to meet her and/or show her around for a bit, PLEASE email me!)

MIKE’S GUIDE TO SEATTLE

IN THE U DISTRICT:

1. Silver Cloud Inn is on 25th and 50th (ask front desk about bike rentals). This is bad as it is next to yuppie central, AKA University Village (the overgrown monstrosity of consumerism across the street). This is where frat boys and sorority chicks shop/eat/spontaneously reproduce. Spend as little time here as possible (only buy necessities at QFC).

2. You are at the foot of a very steep hill (one which I have sledded down many times), therefore to reach your salvation you must scale it to get to The Ave (University Way).

3. The Ave is all about discovery, so I’ll leave it to you to pop into as many wacky shops as possible, but you are hereby commanded to have a grande mocha and berry mazurka at Café Solstice (41st and The Ave.). I spent the better part of 5 years in that coffee shop having intellectual convo with perfect strangers and being blasted by every sort of obscure melody imaginable.

4. There’s literally no end to the independent coffee shops/record stores/obscure book stores/worldly eats on the Ave, so go nuts. Kebabs which put England to shame are across the street from Café Solstice at Aladdin Gyros, and what is rumored to be the LARGEST independent film store IN THE WORLD is at 52nd and Roosevelt. It’s called Scarecrow Video. The movies are organized by director, genre, and nationality (they even have an Hungarian film section!). Many are not for the faint of heart as they are so rare that you are required to put down a $500 deposit to rent them!

OUTSIDE THE U DISTRICT:

1. Capitol Hill. Ah, Capitol Hill. If I was born in the U district, I was conceived on Capitol Hill. This is the artistic, counterculture beacon of Seattle (although most of the art galleries are on the other side of Downtown in Pioneer Square). Intellectuals may inhabit the amazing coffee shops of the U district, but artists migrate south to imbibe their brown, liquid crack on Capitol Hill. This is where grunge was born. Broadway is the main drag (pun intended) here, but it has become slightly commercial. I *HIGHLY* recommend having a dessert at B&O Espresso (Belmont and Olive, just below Broadway). I have NEVER had better anywhere and the atmosphere is just unbelievable. Sadly, they took down a painting of Napoleon which I would have paid handsomely for… The theaters here play very obscure stuff and have late theme nights, The Egyptian and The Harvard Exit are two to check out. Joe Bar (across from the Harvard Exit) RULES! Joe’s the coolest guy I’ve ever met.

2. Wallingford. Just west of the U district (across the freeway). Dave Mathews lives here and hangs in the cafes when he’s not touring (he’s married to a UW medical student). 45th St. is full of cafes, bars, and idiosyncratic restaurants. The Guild 45 theater plays some of the best movies I’ve ever seen. A bit beyond this neighborhood lies…

3. Fremont. Home of a GIANT troll under a highway bridge and many eclectic clubs and trendy bars. Used to be that it was shrouded in pot smoke from the 1960’s to the early 90’s, but then a double whammy of high weed prices and a supply shortage of bongs cleared the air enough that most of the hippies stumbled off their porches and into bay (or so legend has it). World Cup Football will most certainly be televised at the only ‘authentic’ British pub in Seattle: The George and Dragon. Surprisingly, a lot of Greeks show up here as well. I was practically reduced to a deaf mute the last time I was there with chants of ‘Hellas! Hellas!’

4. Downtown. A lot of fun for shopping or the Seattle Art Museum or actual performing arts theaters. Check out what’s playing at the Moore Theater (Portastatic is playing July 16th and O.A.R. on July 17th) or the Intiman Theater (Winner of best performing arts theater in the Western U.S. this year, Richard III is playing while you’re there). The Crocodile Café (the Croc’) is where Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Nirvana all got started. It is absolutely worth a night out with other total audiophiles. Tapes N’ Tapes are playing July 19th (Unclassifiable indie, their guitars bounce more than The Futureheads!), The Pillows are playing July 24th (Japanese Punk, my favorite Japanese band of all time! Will have to wade through sea of Hello Kitty)

5. Pioneer Square. Between Downtown and the two stadiums (home of the Seahawks, American football, and the Mariners, baseball). This is where all the offbeat, creaky floor art galleries are. Many are heavily influenced by the simplicity of current Japanese/Chinese/Korean art (and I believe all are free). It also splits the ultra trendy clubs/bars with Belltown (other side of Downtown, along the water)

SPECIAL NOTES:

1. The Seattle International Film Festival will be wrapping up when you get there (ends on June 18th). It’s a pretty big deal around town and draws some really incredible, underground films. See here:

http://www.seattlefilm.org/festival/about/index.aspx?FID=13

2. If it’s at all possible, get out of Seattle for a day and do a hike in the Cascade Mountains (Tiger Mountain is fun). Or get over to the Olympic Rain Forest, a couple hours west of Seattle.

3. When you are in Berkeley, YOU HAVE TO GO TO ZACHARY’S PIZZA!!!

NOTES ON SEATTLE LIFE:

Lonely Planet: “Never mind that its clear days can be suicidally few - its residents (Chairman Bill, perhaps, excepted) are among the nation's most outgoing and outdoorsy. If you're looking for lifestyle (and who isn't these days?), Seattle has it in spades.”

1. Seattlites are reputed to be the nicest and most polite in the US, so it’s totally cool to ask anyone for directions anywhere or strike up conversations with complete strangers (especially in the U district and Capitol Hill). Tell them you are Greek and they will go out of their way to show you around.

2. The Bus system is decent (take the number 70’s from the U district to Downtown) but the traffic is among the worst in the nation, mostly because we are averse to building more bridges, freeways, etc. Drivers are exceedingly polite, you can tell a Cali transplant by their erratic swerving and obsessive, compulsive use of the horn.

3. There are more “bums” than there were 10 years ago, but do not be surprised if you see one in a coffee shop reading The Economist or NY Times (say Hi to Double Silver Trash Bin Man for me!). The sometimes ambiguity of class in Seattle throws some Americans off because (no joke) many Millionaires drive Hondas and wear jeans/trainers/flannel while those with no money are highly literate and many have college degrees. While I’m opposed to giving money to anyone besides my friends, I try to give them a smile when I pass.

4. It’s considered a serious faux pas to flaunt your wealth in Seattle. Driving a BMW is fine, but ultra-trendy dress or gobs of make-up or showing so-called “superiority” over anyone because of what they look like or do not have typically evokes a collective growl from everyone within earshot (in contrast to LA).

5. We LOVE our microbrews. I can’t express how amazing the beer is in Seattle. It’s nothing like England where all the pubs pretty much have the same rhinoceros diarrhea on tap. There are infinite flavors, served cold but will make even a German sweat!

6. We serve our coffee like this! (only B&O Espresso does it this well :D)

Holy Crap! One Year!

2006-05-13T02:53:00.000-07:00

I would also like to bring attention to the fact that my blog is now officially (and lately) ONE YEAR OLD! That's right people, I have finally stopped vomitting on my chest and am able to handle solid foods with gusto. Please feel free to inject whatever venom you see fit into the Comments section whether it be well wishes or a 500 word diatribe about my cerebral fitness as a human being...

Somebody Punch the Fat Lady in the Ovaries

2006-05-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is reading any spoonfull of dirt about the Seahawks like shooting up a syringe full of pure, Columbian heroin? Seriously, I consider myself pretty well jacked into the swirling vortex that is the Net, and I am finding myself hitting the reload button on both ESPN.com and SI.com every few hours... and I am in a completely flipped timezone!

Why is this? Why am I such a junkie for the almighty Blue & Silver?

Well, to start, I hate losers. And now that the Mariners and the Seahawks have traded places (S... on... ics... WHO?), I wish death upon those cowhide-throwing wash ups and a thousand well oiled, woody winning porn stars to my new pigskin rumblin' heroes.

Second, the Seahawks have had a wicked offseason. Julian Peterson and Nate Burleson to name the two key guys. Sure, we lost the Hutch, but he shall soon realize that he will have to rely on bloated rolls of human flesh and not his millions to keep him warm in the NFC cellar. Besides, we've got quite a large porkchop to stuff in the left side of the O-line. But even without all the free agent air hornery, the Seahawks just don't have that many holes to fill. Where is the kink in our armour? I've performed many analyses on the gigaflop farm we have at work, and I have yet to find one (I am also still gainfully employed... for now).

And without alluding too much to the blatantly crooked heretics who sabotaged the inception of our dynasty, WE ARE HUNGRY. We are the lean, mean Asian who can ingest untold scores of hot dogs (buns included) without flatulating in public. There's fire in our eyes and we want the silverware that is ours. Superbowl hangover my ass. It ain't every day you get your lollipop stolen while lying stomach up in a baby stoller or your Harly jacked while you dispose microbrews and whiskys into your mouth and onto your leather pants. WE'RE ANGRY! Nobody fucks with our candy and choppers and gets away with it!

This is the year when hyper-polite Seattle turns into a marauding horde of blue, green, and silver beasts, scaling the walls of every stadium it comes across and devouring the poor fools inside!

That is all.

PICTURES GALORE!!

2006-05-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

So this is all about the visual. I figure pictures are worth thousands of words and since I'm a lame blogger, this is gold! On with the show!

Shhhhh.... Here it is, that most elusive of creatures: The Blogger. Please refrain from making sudden movements or loud noises as it is easily spooked.

Ah, Edinburgh (pronounced Edin-Bra) Castle. That's Steve on my right. I've successfully dooped him into thinking there's a hot chick over yonder... I just wanted to say 'yonder' (btw, that actually is the face I make when I see a hot chick)

Another shot of Edinburgh. Old shit.

Some men have all the luck.

Rat Pack. Out on the prowl. Steve seems to be entering his spontaneous convulsions phase of the evening. Micah, on the other hand, is on the verge of coma. Yours Truly is pulling his indefensible eyebrow move on the barmaiden.

Here I am showing European bitches how to throw down. Suckas been spendin' too much time in museums!

God bless redheads.

Awww, Alex. Sucha cutey. I force her to make white russians and she complies without fuss. I drunkenly yell at her when she's put too much milk in, and she even jumps over to the kahlua and pours more in. Ace, fellas.

Awww, Sam. Anyone remember that photo shoot of Kirsten Dunst in the white lace lingerie, then she switches over to the black leather? That's Sam. Naughty but nice. All in a little, blonde Yorkshire terrier package.

Char looking like some glamorous movie star while Chris looks like Layne Staley did after 3 weeks on the couch (not playing video games). For some reason, I do not remember this night.

Boy Alex pulling an 'Arnold' after spending far too much time in the van after a hockey match. He may seem tame, but he is one of the craziness muthafuckas I've ever met.

Happy Late Easter, Suckers!

2006-04-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

BTW: Major congrats to Kevin and Aryn on their engagement!!! I'm absolutely in awe of anyone who has the stuffin' to do it. Aryn, I'll see ya in Germany!

Check it out!!

2006-04-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

Yo! Remember when I googled myself and I came up with a guy with the exact same name as me??? (not the hot body bronze at the 2001 Gay Games)

Well, check it: "The Unpronouncable" Mike Inouye is now a full-on NBC Traffic Anchor in the Bay Area!

How fuckin' cool is that?! Looks like we're both on the up and up :D

... sitting on my ass

2006-03-17T12:52:00.000-08:00

So I'm just sitting around Heather's apartment in LA, did some work (isn't this supposed to be a vacation?) and now I'm bored... so bored in fact that I'm listening to mind-numbing death metal. Which is just the ticket as now I've knocked over a rolled-up umbrella in quiet rebellion. Did I mention that it's raining outside? Well it is, and I am being subversive. SUBVERSIVE!

So I was in San Diego for a meeting of over-sexed, corporate minds and decided to skip and jump up to LA for a few days of sun (uh huh). I've got so many requests from friends back home that my bag is bursting at its REI seems with cheesy American food: Fruit Roll-ups, peanut butter M&Ms, and Twinkies plus some of the finer points of Mexican immigration: Zatarain's rice and black beans plus about 750 mL of blue agave Tequila.

I've promised Ber, Char, and Sanne (ze Dutch girlz) that I will let them rearrange/clean my room when I get back, so what else would double the merriment than double distilled tequila? And by merriment I mean seeing 3 very tall, very hot girls doing my bidding... and rifling through my dirty undies.

Anyways, I'm going to take off now before I attempt to describe everything that's gone on the past few months and make a mess of it. I'll REALLY try to keep up with blogging... or at least I'll try to try.

BTW, here's some cool stuff that I've been hording:

My name in print! (more to come!)

What I'm working on now

A 20-mer peptide that self-assembles into a fibrous scaffolding and which, recently, has been shown to allow the optic nerves of mice to reform (take that, you antiquated nursery rhyme!)

Flying Cow Destroys Two Police Cars, Exposes Illegal Immigrants

HE'S ALIVE!!!

2006-02-05T03:10:00.000-08:00

post, post, post... what shall i post? good god, it's been so long since i've written anything that me engrish skills are not what they used to be. anyways, that said, i've been whacky busy lately and with a fair serving of laziness, that amounts to blog neglect. apologies!

anyways, there's no way i can possibily encapsulate what has been going on my life for the past month and a half, so i'll just serve up a nice little northern experience i had plus a couple quickies.

craig, one of my buddies from the jojo days, invited me up to liverpool for the weekend to see the sights and taste the slightly bitter flavor of 'the north'. and believe me, it's different up there! liverpudlians are called 'scoucers' and rightly so, because everytime they open their mouths you just wanna slug out what little teeth they have left. not only is their accent utterly incomprehensible (think kicking a glasgowian in the nuts) but their venacular is completely unique. i couldn't understand a thing that was being said and had to rely on craig to given me a scoucer-to-english translation.

but let's cut the jest, it really is a fun/wild town and i really would consider living there at some point as long as i put a triple bolt on my door and nailed everything to the floor. oh, and the best part is there's a massive statue in the city centre of queen victoria holding a scepter. and while it is impressive head-on, the true nature of liverpool is revealed when one moves 90 degrees to the right and sees that the queen also possesses a similarly massive cock. to date, the historical accuracy of this immortalization is unproven, although it does raise very interesting paradigms to explain the visual challenges experienced by far too many english women.

in closing, liverpool was AMAZING.

and now for the little tid bits!

- life has been work work work. thankfully, i have a strong feeling that it will result in publish publish publish.

- my parents are coming in about 2 weeks... que doom music. prepare yourself world, my old man is leaving the country!!

- i'm going to be in san diego march 12-14 for a meeting (includes chocolate fountain!) and after that i'll be wandering up to LA! woohoo! i shall be haunting the halls of UCLA again!

- come world cup time, i'll be running around italy and germany with my favorite people in the world! shout out to martin, dana, aryn, and ross! (is anyone else comin?! somebody stuff mel in a duffel!)

- btw, i'll try and say something about mike's love life or lack there of as i've had the absolute WORST luck with women over here. not that there haven't been any, but they've all been irreparably PSYCHOTIC. if anyone out there has not recently broken out of a mental ward and would like to date me please email me at mikeinouye@gmail.com

- bbtw, i'm only joking (or am i? ;D)

Update!

2005-12-18T02:40:00.000-08:00

SKI TRIP MADNESS!!!

The only thing I have to say before you watch this is that they are European... Just let them go, man, just 'em go.

MASSIVE POST!!!

2005-12-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

Been SO long! But I thought whoever still reads this might like to meet the crazies that I hang out with over here! Let me introduce you to some of the peeps that I've gotten to know oh so well :D

First, here's a pic of ze Dutch girlz who come round pretty much all ze time! Left to right: Bernice (Beer), Charlotte (Char), and Senne ("Sauna")... wicked! all of them!

Here's a pic of my housemate, Steve:

Chris:

Adrian:

and Micah is in the middle (long blonde hair) in this one:

and for those hardcore fans, here's my grand finale! A VIDEO of some of my other friends and my housemates when they hired a stipper last year! LOL! ENJOY!

PS: I'll be posting another video of them on a ski trip in France too as soon as I can get it loaded. The vids'll only be up for a week so get 'em while they're hot!

Oh wonderous advent calendar

2005-12-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

If you have a penis, you will likely find the following link to be of interest...

Probably not safe for work.

Shoot the durn thang!

2005-12-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

What the hell could be cooler than getting a high speed camera and using it to snap pictures of bullets blowing through random shit? This is exactly how I want to spend my weekends! Be sure to check out the one with the .44 caliber and the orange!

Personally, I do not condone the use of guns. Firearms are wrong, kids. But in the hand of science and the pursuit of truth, I feel that people like this ingenious gentleman (and ME) should be allowed the truly honorable privilege of .45 caliber weapons (and lots of them). Tis for the betterment of mankind!! ...as are 3 foot long mice with spider legs and rhino horns for bum rushing.

MySpace!

2005-11-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

Hey! If you guys aren't familiar with myspace.com, you should check it out! Here's my page:

Mike's MySpace!!

If you're on already, give me a shout and I'll add you. If you live in England, doubly.

Argh!

2005-11-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Terribly sorry for the lack of updates and all that but I'm absolutely beat from my job and, well, to be honest hanging out with friends and meeting new people. So while I'm going to try and post some interesting stuff on the ol' blog, I'm also getting back into emailing people individually cuz, well, it's actually a bit more fun to hear what other people are up to :D. So yea, will be speaking to everyone soon! BTW, I fly back to Seattle on Christmas day and stay until January 2nd... can't wait to see my Seattlites!!

I never...

2005-11-21T16:21:00.000-08:00

I would officially like to brag my ass off that I beat the shit out of every Brit at the table (about 30) at a game of I Never... I wasted 'em. Man, am I a whore.

Random dribble

2005-11-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

Man, have I had almost no time to write or what! I've basically been working and then coming home and hanging with my mates every day for 2 weeks... and what fun it is! So it turns out that I actually have a responsible job, scary I know. Putting me in charge of anything is like having a drunkard up in one of those office building cranes. Weeeee! Anyways, I was sat down the first day my boss was in (which was about the third day I was there) and was told dead-panned that "you have to be smart." My response was an equally deadpanned "Yes", but truthfully I know I died a little inside...

So in order to kill as many brain cells as possible, I walked my ass down to Mill Road (an English carbon copy of the Ave) and bought myself a Hookah or Shisha or Hubble-Bubbly or whatever you wanna call it. It's gorgeous. I've already smoked it twice and the tobacco here is absolutely unbelievable... about 100 times better than the stuff they have in LA. The whole room sweats triple apple when we* smoke.

* This usually consists of my housemates and I plus three 18-year-old Dutch girls and one random vagabond off the street.

BTW, Andy... buddy, I haven't even gotten half way through Altered Carbon. I'm terribly sorry but my brain has been turned to mush by the plethora of ales they have here. Even though none of them hold a candle to the Big Time Brewery or Rogue, I have been forced into some kind of shit brown coloured stupor by the shortage of ingestible beverage. Once again, terribly sorry...

... wow, that's a bit of a scatter-brained post, isn't it?

Science and it's slightly retarded sibling, Ethics...

2005-11-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

The 14th Dalai Llama is speaking today at a huge Neuroscience meeting and there's an awesome, eye-opening opinion piece that he has written for the NY Times. I completely agree with him. We, as scientists, must keep our eye both on our microscopic work and the "bigger picture." Ethics must play a large part and understanding the potential ramifications of our work is a responsibility we MUST take.

CLICK HERE for some Dalai action!

Sorry

2005-11-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Been too drunk lately to write anything coherent (including now). VIVA ROBOT CHICKEN!!!

Damn U English Cold!

2005-11-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ugh! So I've been dog sick with an awful cold for the past several days. I haven't been doing much except enjoying Sky TV (which broadcasts a shitload of American shows) and Sky Sports (Hells yea ManU!! Chelsea ain't all that and a bag of crisps!). But the excitement begins tomorrow when I show up for my first day at work. Technically, I wake up in, oh, 5.5 hours... Should be fun! I'll let everyone know what the terms of my deportation will be ;D

My house!!!

2005-11-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

Btw! Here's a pic of the house that I'm living in at the moment (our door's on the right).

and here's a pic of my absolutely TINY room

More pics are on the way...

A bit of rambling...

2005-11-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

As wonderful as I’ve found England this first week, I have to admit that living overseas makes you appreciate your home country so much more. Or maybe that’s just how it is with America…

Most of the time I never notice it but America is incredibly efficient. Everything is designed and executed to near perfection. Seriously, shit like there being price tags on merchandise is taken for granted and then all of a sudden you go somewhere else and you have to spend 15 minutes at the register watching a hoard of store employees go through records (both electronic and paper) trying to find a stupid price. And don’t even get me started on how important tipping is to motivating and getting excellent customer service!

Burgers. Burgers, man. There’s just something about getting a full-on, grade A piece of animal and throwing it over a fire. Then watching as it cooks and the juices drip. It’s so fuckin’ primal and satisfying that I want to take all the subtleties and complexities of food here (the non-English stuff) and shove it up their evolved asses.

Everything’s smaller, which is nice in a car but can be a little disappointing when it comes to other things like food portions, houses, and boobies.

But oh shit, fun is to be had! I’ll have to finish this thought later! :D

4 out of 25 million English males are cool.

2005-10-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

I now heartily retract my earlier comment about English dudes being, and I quote, "loud, obnoxious drunk(s) and sailor-mouthed chauvanist(s) when sober." To substantiate my retraction, I have found 4 English roommates who fuckin' RULE! Not only do they all help run a pub in central Cambridge, but they are geeked right the fuck out! We're talking 32-inch flat panel TV, TIVO, network server, 2 MB broadband line (pretty damn good for Britain), plus audio equipment up the wizang cuz one of them's a DJ. Holy crap, I'm a lucky SOB.

We're right next to the river Cam and it's only a 15 minute walk to the city center (which is awesome I might add). The only bad part is if you head any further north, you hit Arbury. Arbury can be described as "the crack-whoring, girlfriend-beating mistress of the Bronx." Which is funny considering I was strolling quite leisurely through there last night and found the bombed out bus stops to be disarmingly charming...

Anyways, best be off! Meeting my mates down at the pub! (No, I'm not British yet!)

First post from English soil!

2005-10-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! I hope everyone's doin well! So, my God, I'm in England now. Even the keyboard I'm typing on is different, I keep messing up the 'shift' button. The journey over here was nutty and included a 4 hour plane ride next to a huge black dude who was wearing orange, striped tiger ears and a tail (I won't even mention the fact that he fed orange juice to his stuffed tigger toy). Am I a magnet for insanity? Seriously, is there a sign on my back?

Anyways, I'm not even going to mince words. Getting shit started over here is HARD. Not only is being away from family and friends incredibly difficult (damn, I miss you people), but adjusting to everything is just exasperating it. The B&B thing didn't work out so I'm staying at a youth hostel. But on the brightside of things, this was probably the best thing that could happen because it would have been AWFUL to be alone that first night. Five AWESOME Aussies and me hit the pub and, let it be said, Aussies rule. Never met an Aussie (or a Kiwi for that matter) that I wasn't instantly friends with. Can't say the same for English blokes, but the women are cool :D.

Ok, I'm on pay internet over here so when I get a bit more time I'll be updating more! Cheers!

Last post from American soil!

2005-10-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

Hola!! All's ready... holy shit, it's ready. All my stuff is packed, my flight is set, my iPod is charged, everything. Just for the record, I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get into Heathrow. I don't have a place set to spend the night and I don't know what train you take up to Cambridge. Don't even know how to get to the train station from Heathrow. Wow, I am one SMOOTH traveller! Although I did happen to fit all my worldly possessions into three bags, one large, one medium, one small. That was a feat of Herculean proportions. It's basically just shoes and clothes, my DVDs, my computer and iPod, a couple books, and my paperwork. Talk about subtracting the unnecessary from your life! Just looking at it, I'm already starting to feel homesick.

Ok, time to start a new life. Done it a dozen times before, no big deal. I can handle this. Just think of it as an extended adventure. And remember that you, Mike, have thrown yourself out of a plane at 15,000 feet. You are a certifiably insane individual and have no cause to complain about anything in this life.

BRING IT!!!

Another Quickie!

2005-10-19T01:37:00.000-07:00

I'll put up another much longer post here soon when things calm down for 5 seconds. I've got my visa finally. It looks super cool, and it's got a crown on it and everything. So the departure date has been pushed forward quite dramatically... I've just bought a ticket to Heathrow for Monday, the 24th! 5 days! I knew stuff would go at warp speed once I got my work permit but this is reeediculous. My car is sold and everything... the 'stang is gone! Now all I need to do is find a UK power adaptor and get some British monies from de bank. Be afraid Britain, be VERY afraid.

VISA time!

2005-10-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Yo! Just a quick post to let everyone know that I'm going to be down in LA on Sunday through Tuesday. I've got my UK VISA application/interview thing on Monday morning! I know I have absolutely no rational reason to be nervous, but damn are my hands shaking! Everything's moving incredibly fast now, getting all my VISA stuff together, selling my car, packing up stuff, and stocking up on things that I just won't be able to find there (cool jeans, dvds, thai food). Scheduled landing in England: October 31...

Domino

2005-10-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

So, for those out there who have just celebrated their liberation from pervhood along with the 18th birthday of Keira Knightley, you should check out Wikipedia's mini biography of Domino Harvey. I bring this up because, for those people who were never pervs in the first place, Keira Knightley is playing the ass-whomping title role in Tony Scott's new flick, Domino. She's a British, ex-model, daughter of a multimillionaire, BOUNTY HUNTER. Just look at her. Who would mess with that shit??

... and just for aesthetic purposes... ahhhhhhhhhhh...

LA in an itty, bitty nutshell

2005-10-11T00:55:00.000-07:00

Since the week that I spent in LA was so jam-packed with incredible times and tear-jerking reunions, I’ve decided that writing the whole thing up would not only be a month long project, but a totally lame attempt at capturing how unbelievably awesome the trip was. So, in an even lamer attempt to flash my finely bronzed, .50 caliber literal biceps, I shall now submit you to a Top 10 list of moments, picked at random, from my tornado-ravaged trailer park of a memory…

1. Grace trudges into lab at 8 AM (every day), but not before committing multiple counts of kitchen appliance assault in a vain attempt to wake my couch hugging, noon-destined ass up.

2. Learning how to write a scientific paper according to the Rules of the Chicken.

3. In one of my more subdued reunions, Tracy decides that I am indeed a landing mat for the highly technical couch vault. This 8.5+ maneuver consists of a double somersault, half twist, triple chocolate fudge touch down with a small hiccup at the end (which is where the deduction comes from). Her only redemption is in the proverbial fact that I am asleep for most of it.

4. LA beaches, man. ‘nuf said.

5. I immersed all my sense sockets in the intoxicating, ultra-hipster vibe of the Abbott-Kinney street festival. Watch out for the B52’s/Bloc Party hybrid that is Yes Means No. These guys were INSANE, and had me rooted to the pavement for their full set… which was entirely too short.

6. I must admit that I missed fake titties. There’s just something about staring at them and knowing that you are completely justified.

Mid-List Tangent: Has anyone else realized that MySpace is basically a virtual meat market? Seriously, I’ve found out that a SHIT TON of my friends are scoring “dates” from it (unfortunately, guys, like any other club/bar/pub in this world, hot women rule over this dominion).

7. Watching an amazing Beatles cover band sweat whisky in a Venice pub, and almost busting a nut laughing at the ginormous British flag behind them.

8. Playing baseball with the fellas and riding big spoon on Ken’s motorcycle. And for the record, I was NOT “wobbling” the bike. I was merely interested in having sufficient view of my fast-approaching, imminent death and being able to take proper measures to avoid it (namely, rolling off the back of the motorcycle and going limp, which is, curiously, the same reaction one should take when confronted with a giant bear).

9. Heather's bird, Topo (short for topoisomerase... NERD!), is a distinct anomaly among winged species. It does not fly and is not a penguin. Instead, it prefers to hop about on one's finger and take the obviously attention starved step of nipping its beak at any exposed flesh. This behavior is only stopped by taking one's index finger and thumb and encircling brave Topo's neck in an near choke hold, but with the aim of massaging the little bastard into ecstasy. The free, deep neck rub continues only until said bastard loses all bladder and rectal control and drops a watery ball of shit, whose more dark green tinted half casually disintegrates down the back of one's hand, while the decidely creamy white half descends to the carpet in a undeniably under-handed mockery of all those poor souls who gave their lives at Pearl Harbor. This was, surprisingly, not the highlight of my trip.

10. Heather’s worms were :D

Musicocity

2005-10-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since Muse's Absolution, but I'll be damned if we don't see a new generation of headbanging Mozarts mixing some sweet guitar riffs with elements of the baroque. It's such an intensely cool idea. They started out sounding a lot like Radiohead (mostly because the lead singer seems to lack a certain testicular fortitude), but have since taken the absolute best of Radiohead's The Bends and evolved it into toe-curling pleasure metal. If you haven't gotten a taste of Muse before, now would be the time (honestly!).

Muse - Stockholm Syndrome

A side of you I never knew.

2005-10-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sara! What are you doing?! This is totally alterego Nip/Tuck! Like something out of Psycho...

BTW, Grace sent me this picture so I just HAD to post it :D

Rooney!

2005-10-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd post a small video of the greatest goal ever scored (soccer that is)!!! It's all about Wayne Rooney, baby. He's a damn scouser thug (Liverpool native) and plays for Manchester United. The kid's a fuckin' terror.

Prepare to be blown away!

Fucking blogspot...

2005-10-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

lost my previous post about Einstein's E = mc². Evidently, republishing your blog causes their servers to break down in a fit of tears and selectively forget that you wrote anything at all... Here's the link to the article again, and here's the jousting story... btw, there's also a new post underneath this one.

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Here's a story for E = mc². Two equally strong and skilled jousters, riding identical horses and gripping identical (blunt) lances, head toward each other at an identical speed. As they pass, each thrusts his lance across his breastplate toward his opponent, slamming blunt end into blunt end. Because they're equally matched, neither lance pushes farther than the other, and so the referee calls it a draw.

This story contains the essence of Einstein's discovery. Let me explain.

Einstein's first relativity paper, the one in June 1905, shattered the idea that time elapses identically for everyone. Instead, Einstein showed that if from your perspective someone is moving, you will see time elapsing slower for him than it does for you. Everything he does - sipping his coffee, turning his head, blinking his eyes - will appear in slow motion.

This is hard to grasp because at everyday speeds the slowing is less than one part in a trillion and is thus imperceptibly small. Even so, using extraordinarily precise atomic clocks, scientists have repeatedly confirmed that it happens just as Einstein predicted. If we lived in a world where things routinely traveled near the speed of light, the slowing of time would be obvious.

Let's see what the slowing of time means for the joust. To do so, think about the story not from the perspective of the referee, but instead imagine you are one of the jousters. From your perspective, it is your opponent - getting ever closer - who is moving. Imagine that he is approaching at nearly the speed of light so the slowing of all his movements - readying his joust, tightening his face - is obvious. When he shoves his lance toward you in slow motion, you naturally think he's no match for your swifter thrust; you expect to win. Yet we already know the outcome. The referee calls it a draw and no matter how strange relativity is, it can't change a draw into a win.

After the match, you naturally wonder how your opponent's slowly thrusted lance hit with the same force as your own. There's only one answer. The force with which something hits depends not only on its speed but also on its mass. That's why you don't fear getting hit by a fast-moving Ping-Pong ball (tiny mass) but you do fear getting hit by a fast-moving Mack truck (big mass). Thus, the only explanation for how the slowly thrust lance hit with the same force as your own is that it's more massive.

This is astonishing. The lances are identically constructed. Yet you conclude that one of them - the one that from your point of view is in motion, being carried toward you by your opponent on his galloping horse - is more massive than the other. That's the essence of Einstein's discovery. Energy of motion contributes to an object's mass.

AS with the slowing of time, this is unfamiliar because at everyday speeds the effect is imperceptibly tiny. But if, from your viewpoint, your opponent were to approach at 99.99999999 percent of the speed of light, his lance would be about 70,000 times more massive than yours. Luckily, his thrusting speed would be 70,000 times slower than yours, and so the resulting force would equal your own.

Once Einstein realized that mass and energy were convertible, getting the exact formula relating them - E = mc² - was a fairly basic exercise, requiring nothing more than high school algebra. His genius was not in the math; it was in his ability to see beyond centuries of misunderstanding and recognize that there was a connection between mass and energy at all.

Asian pears and pearl jam...

2005-10-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

The drive began innocently enough, but, as my butt became number and number, stuff just got weirder and weirder. I got to hear the full story of Heather’s friends at the wedding party: how a certain girl was blind drunk, playing find the squirrel in some guy’s pants… while sitting next to her dad, and, of course, how half-digested chunks of wedding cake ended up decorating Heather’s side window.

We stopped for fruit and ended up arguing over the origins of the Asian pear (it’s a goddamn cross between an apple and a pear. Suck it!), and why it is important to wash your produce (because dirt tastes like shit). I then flipped a lid over Heather’s questionable taste in music and took control of her iPod. This was followed by a full-frontal display of tongue nudity, resulting in a contented silence of which I ruled over with audio supremacy.

For those who have not experienced the non-stop thrill ride that is the drive from SF to LA, it is literally a journey without parallel. There are no turns. There are no changes in elevation. There is no scenery. A schizophrenic quadriplegic with their wheelchair on the accelerator would do a masterful job.

And, obviously, when we began our climb over the hills and into the San Fernando Valley, it offered far too much stimulation for yours truly. The iPod was soon set to Pearl Jam’s “Black” and all Hell broke loose. Mike was singing. This was not just run-of-the-mill, garden variety singing either. I had the air mic going and everything. And the crescendo at the end… “I know you’ll be the star in somebody else’s sky, but WHY… WHY… WHYYYYYYYYY CAN’T IT BEEEEEEEE, OH CAN’T IT BEEE MIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNEEE… OOOOOOHHHHHHH WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” was of a tragic beauty not seen since Leo and Claire were quoting Shakespeare. I would have brought Eddie Vedder to tears. Of what kind I’m not too sure…

And so, we descended into LA and I was kicked to the curb outside Tracy, Grace, and Sara’s apartment…

Cool Photography!

2005-09-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

Check it out, you guys! Here's two of the BBC Visions of Science award winners:

A grain of sea salt and a grain of peppercorn using an scanning electron microscope

And here's a shrimp that's symbiotically cleaning the teeth of a fish... CRAZY!

Mike visits SF, learns fish tacos give orgasms

2005-09-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

What other word is there to describe my West Coast trip but AWESOME. Stuff started out kinda weird though. It all began with me flying into Oakland while the pilot was shamelessly promoting his favorite fortune cookies as an in-flight snack (they ran out by the 15th row). So I get off the plane and notice that there’s no ceiling in this rotten funk, Hell-on-Earth airport, then walk outside and immediately get whistled at by a “Sheriff” for standing still longer than 10 seconds. This apparently was a minor infraction as I noticed the same “Sheriff” walk up to a woman holding a baby, waiting for her husband, and whistle right in her (and the baby’s) ear. Oakland has excellent law enforcement…

Heather finally rescued me! Thank freakin’ God. We bombed over to the East Bay and I met her “aunt” and Bill (who were both insanely cool I might add) and opened up a can of whoop-ass on some chicken and steak and artichokes before flopping down into their hot tub. Heather wouldn’t let me sit with the single, functional water jet. I have no idea why…

The next day, we started off by raiding her aunt’s fridge then driving into San Francisco to meet J. Lo and Dan. We met up with J. Lo first for some unbelievable Mexican food down in the Mission district. I’m talking about fish tacos that’ll give you tongue orgasms. Seriously, the sun broke through the clouds and the Virgin Mary showed up on my plate. And I ate her. I ate her good. I am going to hell… Meanwhile, as I was dreaming up evermore-elaborate taco eating scenarios, J. Lo regaled us with stories of her conversion, in the last month, from hardcore Christianity to threesome shopping at sex clubs. I HAVE to move to SF.

It was now time to jet down to Mission Bay and meet up with Dan so that I could drop anchor at his apartment. Thankfully my ordinary, sane nature ensured that I would first introduce Heather and J. Lo to Dan, rip the apartment key from Dan’s hand, then bolt for the shuttle (which I first made sure was free), leaving the three of them in my dust. Obviously, I am a master of social interaction.

So, it turns out that, in my haste, I had forgotten that barest of human essentials, a towel. This caused me quite a bit of consternation which, after several boxes of Kleenex, was resolved with a massive towel hunt which began with me running up and down Haight street, then taking the Muni downtown to cast about for an hour before finally uncovering one at Walgreen’s. What the hell is wrong with a city that forces you to go downtown to get a freakin’ towel??? Really people, in one block of Haight street I could have scored a pound of weed, gotten my septum pierced, and eaten about four tons of crepes all while wearing an Indian loincloth. To top all this off, I discovered that my new towel sheds blue thread all over me. How wonderful. I would also like to get on record the fact that Dan’s (rather large) bathroom window MUST remain open at all times by decree of his landlord. Seriously, it’s written into his lease! With any luck, my junk will be showing up online soon.

The next couple days were pretty chill consisting mainly of me challenging myself to Drinking Halo and trying to take coherent pictures of Dan and Aimee’s dog-friendly apartment hunting odyssey. Sadly, Sunday rolled around. The time had come to brave the 5 hour cuticle-picking/thumb-twiddling fest that is the drive from SF to LA. Heather, Dan, and I met up for some damn tasty Cobb salad, and, after arguing over my granny driving habits (COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!!), it was time to say our goodbyes to SF. We waved to Dan then dropped to our knees and attempted to scrape the hardened wedding party goodness off Heather’s car door (totally separate and worthy story! Guest post, Heather?). We were finally on our way to sunny, wonderful Los Angeles…

An Ode to Cool Movies

2005-09-25T02:03:00.000-07:00

Yo. Mike here, giving a shout out to the coolest movies I've seen since Ben-Hur, The Godfather, and Citizen Kane...

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle...

...and Eurotrip

May your twin spirits soar and hopefully, if there is any justice in this cruel world, I shall find you soon on Criterion Classics.

Shit! I almost forgot the chick in Eurotrip! Wow, my heterosexuality almost blew it...

Good Lord.

Now I've Seen Everything

2005-09-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

This is probably the weirdest thing I've seen in a long time. A virtual virus? Man, we're already losing control of the Machines... Andy chimes in:

-----------------------------------

Yes, its real. Story sums it up pretty well. A boss of a nasty endgame dungeon casts a curse on all nearby players (and their pets) which causes damage every second and will spread to any nearby players. Some enterprising soul let it infect his pet, then dismissed the pet (makes it disappear, essentially putting it on hold), then returned to a city, found a nice crowded area, and summoned the pet. It infected everyone around the pet, killing low levels before they could react. They kept it alive by healing each other and staying in close proximity to others. If there's nobody nearby to spread it to, it goes away after a bit.

A similar bug happened with another boss, who casts a spell on players that turns them into a living bomb, where they will explode after a few seconds, causing them a good amount of damage and huge damage to anyone nearby. People did the same thing: waited for a pet to be cursed, then dismissed it and recalled it later in town. Supposedly the carnage was glorious. =p

-Andy

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btw, Cali is AWESOME! I've got a nice, long post for when I get back to Seattle.

The Boy's Got Skillz

2005-09-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

Check it out! Gogol Bordello can flat out play, man. The guy's a fuckin' Tasmanian devil. Categorize it, you say? FUCK THAT. The man deserves his own genre, his own imitation, his own fuckin' heram who will deny him sex only until he continues to push the envelope!

Gogol Bordello - "Sally"

Sally ain't even his best song either, the whole album is jumping around your room, tearing down all your posters, ripping up your carpet... and LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT! If you spoon-fed crack to an indie boy and forced him to listen to gypsy reggae for 3 months, he might MIGHT come up with something like this... Somehow this guy became a musical genius, and I want to know!

PS: Sorry for the link to Amazon, but it's blogger courtesy if you post their music...

My Laundry List

2005-09-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

Bonjour! Been a while, hasn't it? I've been running down a HUGE laundry list of things to do before leaving the country. I have to notify the IRS, the State Department, the American consulate, sell my car, get an international drivers license, etc, etc. It just goes on and on, and I haven't even applied for a visa yet! Anyways, it looks like I'll have to nail down some housing (plus open a UK bank account) when I get there because people tend to screw you over if you do it online. I'll be spending the first few nights nestled under my desk!

Anyways, back in the alpha First-World, I've been reading Speaker for the Dead. It's the continuation of Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, and it's freakin' AWESOME! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!! I'd give you an edge-of-your-seat, run-for-the-bookstore synopsis, but I'll let Amazon do that for me.

Besides that, I'm freakin' right the fuck out for Cali on Thursday! I should be rolling into LA on Sunday nightish so prep the liquor cabinets and Mike-proof your apartments, no civilized area is safe!

Btw, check it. The Futureheads are gods of harmonized punk!

The Futureheads - Decent Days and Nights

PS: Congrats to those English cricketeers! They won the Ashes!! It all started in 1882. Basically, it's this HUGE deal between England and Australia in which the Aussie cricket team, jokingly, threatened to burn to a crisp the body of English cricket. England told them to sod off, so the Aussies burned a hay effigy of English cricket and put the ashes in a (slightly ugly) trophy... and there you have it! You can practically HEAR the Aussies slapping those pasty English cheeks! Every couple years, the teams line up and pound each other so they can lug around some dust in a bowl. And now, after a two decade drought of epic cricket battles, the English have finally won back The Ashes! ...for two more years.

Check it out people!

2005-09-07T02:20:00.000-07:00

I've got a bit of temporary space for some mp3s that I would love to plug! So here's the first installment!

Soft - "Higher"

This baby has been in HEAVY rotation on my iTunes for months. There does not exist a catchier indie rock song, period. I CANNOT believe that they are not on the radio yet. It's a crime!

Some Night Time Reading

2005-09-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Boy, I can't wait to have an alcoholic beverage for lunch on a workday!

PS: DIE, MARMITE, DIE!

Mike's coming to Cali!

2005-09-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

Ah Yeah! That's right. In celebrating my liberation from bumhood, I'm gonna be hitting SF and LA in the coming weeks and it's flat out gonna be a blast! I've got a flight down to SF on September 15 (Thursday) at 2 PM, then I'm gonna be meeting up with Dan (commence drunken belligerence!) and Heather (commence nonstop insanity!). Come either Sunday or Monday, Heather and I are then going to brave the coma-like boredom of driving from SF to LA in what can only be described as a putty-colored wagon beast. Guaranteed, there will be much retardedness. At some point we'll make it to the promise-land/LA and there I shall stay until the next weekend. Ah SUN! Seattle's just beginning to wave goodbye to Ra and say hello to Dickensian rain... so obviously that's my cue to move shop! See all my LA bros and gals soon!

Punt, punt, drown...

2005-08-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Great. I finally get a job and look at the death waiting to happen. I've got a crisp $100 bill on me punting the river, standing on one of those death platforms, then getting swatted in the face with one of those overhanging trees or something and crashing head first into a watery grave. This is not good.

Although, it wouldn't be so bad if we made a game out of it... PUNTING WARS!! Instead of punting the river, we punt each other gladiator style. The first to cross the finish line with someone in their boat WINS! Just look at those harrowing curves and the congestion, it would be madness i tell you. MADNESS!!

Finally... a job offer!

2005-08-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

I just got offered that genotype data analyst job at the Sanger Institute! Weeeeee! 2 years in Cambridge! I'm psyched! The only thing that I'm worried about: it includes a "car-sharing scheme." I am going to die a terrible, terrible death... on the left side of the road.

Weeee! Update!

2005-08-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hola! Music for Robots posted some ubercool music by Get Him Eat Him. Give it a listen HERE. It's kinda like The New Pornographers sans pop siren Neko Case, but with that touch of sadness. Seems like Death Cab for Cutie has finally caused bubble gum pop to shed a tear as The New Pornographers also seem to be mellowing into the whole "Life's got to be better than this" merry-go-round on their new album, Twin Cinema. The other song they posted today by Saxon Shore is also worth a listen, it's totally chill but with that melancholy that you'd find on The O.C.

I'm also looking into getting some online space to post my own mp3 selections cuz some of these blogs are getting a bit too far out there for me... especially those minimalist electronica songs... dude, seriously. What the hell do people see in that stuff? "You have to listen to the notes that they aren't playing." Yeah, I can also do that channel surfing with my thumb up my ass.

Other than that, I've been doing quite a bit of trail running and reading tons of papers on population genetics and SNP genotyping while sipping chai lattes in my fav cafes. I talked to the Sanger Institute HR guy again and he said that he's just waiting for "final confirmation on the job details." Translation: "I need your future boss' signature, but he's either on vacation or can't find his rubber stamp." Europeans... Oh, one more thing! Movie alert! 2046 is playing at the Harvard Exit on Capital Hill a full week before it's supposed to be released nation-wide! Go see it!

How to fill time as you wait for your whole future to be decided by a few people 5,000 miles away

2005-08-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

1. rummage through boxes and uncover the fact that none of your clothing is less than 3 years old
2. shop for new clothes
3. obsessively pit left hand versus right hand in intense mini-battles of Hungry Hungry Hippos
4. read first 10 pages of A Midsummer Night’s Dream
5. decide to enroll in English classes at local community college
6. listen to so much goddamn music that you begin to recognize names of bands playing local pubs
7. become enamored with Google satellite maps
8. try to locate Tate Modern knowing only that it is a huge phallus with two block shaped nuts somewhere near the Eye of London (giggity.)
9. classify PloS as “recreational reading” in your bookmarks tab
10. lament the fact that you now live in suburbia and ride bike 9 miles into Seattle
11. realize that this is actually 18 miles roundtrip
12. phone brother to come pick you up mid-rush hour
13. shred 3 year backlog of bank statements
14. download prOn

NEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD!

2005-08-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

HEY HEY! Got some REALLLY interesting shite to pass along to you guys.

First, here's that paper that I was babbling about a week or so ago. It's the one about targetting cancerous cells with carbon nanotubes, then hitting them with UV light to heat up the nanotubes and destroy the cells. It has been whispered in the geekosphere that this new procedure will be called "Ultracool Nanotubular Therapy" or UNT.

Second, this badboy shows how you can use microrganisms to taxi microfibers around. The coolest part is that the microrganisms are light sensitive, so they use high and low intensity light to direct their movements and UV light to detach the cargo... micron scale Lego castles here we come!

Unfortunately, PNAS requires a subscription to access either article. University connections are covered! For mere mortals, viva PLoS!!

How does autism explain innate differences between men and women?

2005-08-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a copy of an article that first appeared in the New York Times (unfortunately, they make you pay for articles that are more than a week old). It's just an insanely interesting read on the differing scientific aptitudes of the sexes synthesized with an exploration of the definition and causes of autism.

August 8, 2005

The Male Condition
By SIMON BARON-COHEN

Cambridge, England

TWO big scientific debates have attracted a lot of attention over the past year. One concerns the causes of autism, while the other addresses differences in scientific aptitude between the sexes. At the risk of adding fuel to both fires, I submit that these two lines of inquiry have a great deal in common. By studying the differences between male and female brains, we can generate significant insights into the mystery of autism.

So was Lawrence Summers, the president of Harvard, right when he remarked that women were innately less suited than men to be top-level scientists? Judging from current research, he was and he wasn't. It's true that scientists have documented psychological and physiological differences between male and female brains. But Mr. Summers was wrong to imply that these differences render any individual woman less capable than any individual man of becoming a top-level scientist.

In fact, the differences that show up in brain research reflect averages, meaning that they emerge only when you study groups of males and females and compare the two groups' averages on particular psychological tests or physiological measures. The evidence to date tells us nothing about individuals - which means that if you are a woman, there is no evidence to suggest that you could not become a Nobel laureate in your chosen area of scientific inquiry. A good scientist is a good scientist regardless of sex.

Nonetheless, with brain scanning, we can discern physiological differences between the average male and the average female brain. For example, the average man's cerebrum (the area in the front of the brain concerned with higher thinking) is 9 percent larger than the average woman's. Similar, though less distinct, overgrowth is found in all the lobes of the male brain. On average, men also have a larger amygdala (an almond shaped structure in the center of the brain involved in processing fear and emotion), and more nerve cells. Quite how these differences in size affect function, if at all, is not yet known.

In women, meanwhile, the connective tissue that allows communication between the two hemispheres of the brain tends to be thicker, perhaps facilitating interchange. This may explain why one study from Yale found that when performing language tasks, women are likely to activate both hemispheres, whereas males (on average) activate only the left hemisphere.

Psychological tests also reveal patterns of sex difference. On average, males finish faster and score higher than females on a test that requires the taker to visualize an object's appearance after it is rotated in three dimensions. The same is true for map-reading tests, and for embedded-figures tests, which ask subjects to find a component shape hidden within a larger design. Males are over-represented in the top percentiles on college-level math tests and tend to score higher on mechanics tests than females do. Females, on the other hand, average higher scores than males on tests of emotion recognition, social sensitivity and language ability.

Many of these sex differences are seen in adults, which might lead to the conclusion that all they reflect are differences in socialization and experience. But some differences are also seen extremely early in development, which may suggest that biology also plays a role. For example, girls tend to talk earlier than boys, and in the second year of life their vocabularies grow at a faster rate. One-year-old girls also make more eye contact than boys of their age.

In my work I have summarized these differences by saying that males on average have a stronger drive to systemize, and females to empathize. Systemizing involves identifying the laws that govern how a system works. Once you know the laws, you can control the system or predict its behavior. Empathizing, on the other hand, involves recognizing what another person may be feeling or thinking, and responding to those feelings with an appropriate emotion of one's own.

Our research team in Cambridge administered questionnaires on which men and women could report their level of interest in these two aspects of the world - one involving systems, the other involving other people's feelings. Three types of people were revealed through our study: one for whom empathy is stronger than systemizing (Type E brains); another for whom systemizing is stronger than empathy (Type S brains); and a third for whom empathy and systemizing are equally strong (Type B brains). As one might predict, more women (44 percent) have Type E brains than men (17 percent), while more men have Type S brains (54 percent) than women (17 percent).

What of Mr. Summers's other claim, that such sex differences are innate? We know that culture plays a role in the divergence of the sexes, but so does biology. For example, on the first day of life, male and female newborns pay attention to different things. On average, at 24 hours old, more male infants will look at a mechanical mobile suspended above them, whereas more female infants will look at a human face.

It has also been found that the amount of prenatal testosterone, which is produced by the fetus and measurable in the amniotic fluid in which the baby is bathed in the womb, predicts how sociable a child will be. The higher the level of prenatal testosterone, the less eye contact the child will make as a toddler, and the slower the child will develop language. That is connected to the role of fetal testosterone in influencing brain development.

Males obviously produce far more prenatal testosterone than females do, but levels vary considerably even across members of the same sex. In fact, it may not be your sex per se that determines what kind of brain you have, but your prenatal hormone levels. From there it's a short leap to the intriguing idea that a male can have a typically female brain (if his testosterone levels are low), while a female can have a typically male brain (if her testosterone levels are high). That notion fits with the evidence that girls born with congenital adrenal hyperplasia, who for genetic reasons produce too much testosterone, are more likely to exhibit "tomboy" behavior than girls with more ordinary hormone levels.

What does all this have to do with autism? According to what I have called the "extreme male brain" theory of autism, people with autism simply match an extreme of the male profile, with a particularly intense drive to systemize and an unusually low drive to empathize. When adults with Asperger's syndrome (a subgroup on the autistic spectrum) took the same questionnaires we gave to non-autistic adults, they exhibited extreme Type S brains. Psychological tests reveal a similar pattern.

And this analysis makes sense. It helps explain the social disability in autism, because empathy difficulties make it harder to make and maintain relationships with others. It also explains the "islets of ability" that people with autism display in subjects like math or music or drawing - all skills that benefit from systemizing.

People with autism often develop obsessions, which may be nothing other than very intense systemizing at work. The child might become obsessed with electrical switches (an electrical system), or train timetables (a temporal system), or spinning objects (a physical system), or the names of deep-sea fish (a natural, taxonomic system). The child with severe autism, who may have additional learning difficulties and little language ability, might express his obsessions by bouncing constantly on a trampoline or spinning around and around, because motion is highly lawful and predictable. Some children with severe autism line objects up for hours on end. What used to be dismissed by clinicians as "purposeless, repetitive behavior" may actually be a sign of a mind that is highly tuned to systemize.

One needs to be extremely careful in advancing a cause for autism, because this field is rife with theories that have collapsed under empirical scrutiny. Nonetheless, my hypothesis is that autism is the genetic result of "assortative mating" between parents who are both strong systemizers. Assortative mating is the term we use when like is attracted to like, and there are four significant reasons to believe it is happening here.

FIRST, both mothers and fathers of children with autism complete the embedded figures test faster than men and women in the general population.

Second, both mothers and fathers of children with autism are more likely to have fathers who are talented systemizers (engineers, for example).

Third, when we look at brain activity with magnetic resonance imaging, males and females on average show different patterns while performing empathizing or systemizing tasks. But both mothers and fathers of children with autism show strong male patterns of brain activity.

Fourth, both mothers and fathers of children with autism score above average on a questionnaire that measures how many autistic traits an individual has. These results suggest a genetic cause of autism, with both parents contributing genes that ultimately relate to a similar kind of mind: one with an affinity for thinking systematically.

In order to fully test this theory, we still need to do a lot of work. The specific genes involved must be identified. It is a theory that may be controversial and perhaps unpopular among those who believe that the cause of autism is largely or totally environmental. But controversy is not a reason not to test it - systematically, as we might say.

Simon Baron-Cohen is the director of the autism research center at Cambridge University and the author of "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain."

...

If anyone's made it this far, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Use the comments link.

Mother of God...

2005-08-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike

I am mailing to let you know that following your telephone interview with Ralph McGuiness and Panos Deloukas they are very keen to take your application further and are discussing details with Professor John Todd, the holder of the grant.

I think it is likely that these discussions will be completed next week, and I will contact you regarding the outcome.

Many Thanks
Matt

Matt Richardson
Senior HR Adviser
Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute
Hinxton, Cambridge, CB10 1SA

Productivity

2005-08-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing my going to bed routine, and I see this gargantuan, mutant spider chilling on the ceiling. Now, I'm rarely one to miss an opportunity to both murder a member of the insect species and subvert my formal education. I look over at my desk and quickly flail around looking for a particularly horseshit paper with which I intend to commit cold blood... Mr. Inouye, in the game room, with the radiation hybrid mapping paper!

I roll this sadistic bastard up, walk over to the spider on the ceiling, and launch into my Michael Jordan doin-the-splits slamdunk pose. My rolled up paper slams the fucker so freakin hard that all its legs blast off its body and shower me as I touch the ground again, leaving its body obliterated on the ceiling.

I have to spend the next 10 minutes cleaning the body off the ceiling and finding all its legs... and it was the highlight of my day :D

$4,000 just for being born.

2005-08-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

mrsquirel: how'd the interview go?
WaylanderVI: pretty ok
WaylanderVI: it was a firing squad tho
WaylanderVI: right from the beginning it was like taking the stand and having to defend yourself
WaylanderVI: i held up tho, no long pauses or breakdowns, and got off every answer as well as i could
WaylanderVI: dunno if it's good enough tho
WaylanderVI: they were concerned that i didn't know enough statistics so i really had to pull out the stops there and try to reassure them
mrsquirel: based on your coursework history?
mrsquirel: did the job sound interesting?
WaylanderVI: yea, thing was they didn't really have the history so they really wanted to know if i had any background
WaylanderVI: yea definitely
WaylanderVI: they wanted someone to understand every aspect of the project (down to the chemistry) and look for sources of bias
WaylanderVI: cuz they were having problems with it
WaylanderVI: and i was like: "yo, i'm all about that" (not really)
mrsquirel: lol
mrsquirel: you tell em
WaylanderVI: it was actually pretty surprising
WaylanderVI: no brits
WaylanderVI: i was interviewing with a greek and an american, both with west coast accents
mrsquirel: it's academia
WaylanderVI: i looked it up and they are collaborating closely with Illumina, a company down in SD
WaylanderVI: so i assume that both are cali educated
WaylanderVI: yea but overall, i think i did well. i could tell from the beginning that it wasn't going to be a cakewalk and there would be no spot job offers
mrsquirel: most places don't do spot job offers
mrsquirel: especially technical hires
mrsquirel: they like to take there time and think about it
WaylanderVI: yea, i wasn't really expecting it, but i can always dream... "oh yea, you're a genius mike, come and work for us, here's a $4000 bonus for being born"
mrsquirel: lol
WaylanderVI: the greek guy was more interested in asking me practical/personal questions (deloukas, the boss guy) and the american dude was definitely the technical, let's bust some testes type
mrsquirel: the only time stuff like that happens is if you'd published a bunch of ground breaking papers and there was a big public rush to get their hands on you
mrsquirel: yeah, sounds reasonable
WaylanderVI: we'll see how it turns out, at the least i didn't drop the phone and start crying
WaylanderVI: always a good thing to leave an interview with your dignity still (somewhat) intact

Somebody got owned, but WHO?

2005-08-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Interview over. I'm exhausted. 45 minutes of ball bashing, take the stand, Chris Lee type interviewing. I think I slept all of 2 hours last night and read about a dozen papers to prep. Who would have thought that Cambridge would be so hard to get into? I guess they do good research over there...

2046

2005-08-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

Now, as a Eurasian, I usually have some pretty funky impulses on what ethnicity I'm attracted to at any particular time. I'd venture to say that my chaotic dating history has a pot of gold at the end of it (sans drunk, leering Irishman). Example: I typically don't find asian women attractive. This is fact, albeit a bit fucked up because I obviously look somewhat asian. Sure I've dated a couple, but thems' were NOT de garden variety asian... Great. Now my point is all muddled. See what happens when I try to explain myself! Well, to get around to it, when asians get it right, they get it RIGHT. We're talking smoking, I-have-lost-all-higher-brain-function HOTNESS. It's like a tractor beam zeroed in on the mid-section. Like she's holding a slab of meat and you're a 4 foot tall, slobbering doberman. The urge of coitus is too strong to resist. And to give you guys an idea of what I'm blabbering about:

Oh my good God. THAT, my friends, is Zhang Ziyi. Bow to her. Lock your door, go to your tool shed, do whatever you have to do. She's in Wong Kar-wai's new film 2046. You can bet I will be there on opening night... sitting in back.

This one's for Petey!

2005-08-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've been told that people actually download my mp3 posts so here's another one! It's a super mega bonus post for music lovers! Check it, HERE'S a little throw back cover of the Stiff Little Fingers. It's punk at it's finest! And HERE'S some of the best guitar pop you'll ever hear courtesy of the New Pornographers. I should really get my own space cuz both of these are from The Big Ticket. Enjoy de fest!

Carbon nanotubes target/destroy cancer cells (with a bit of customization)

2005-08-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

Where can I get THIS PAPER? It ain't on the PNAS website.

Holy blue balls, Batman!

2005-08-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Inouye

Thank you for applying for the position of Bioinformatician at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute, reference SW978. Although you have not been selected for interview for this post, we passed your CV on to Dr Panos Deloukas and Ralph McGinnis reference a post that is currently advertised - Genotype Data Analyst/QC Manager reference SW981 (please
see attached advert).

Panos Deloukas and Ralph McGinnis would like to set up a teleconference interview with you on Friday 5 August 2005 at 1630, 0830 PDT.

Please could you let me know if this is possible and if so, the number we could call on Friday.

Yours sincerely

Judy Brown
on behalf of Human Resources
Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute
--
Administrator, JDRF/WT Diabetes and Inflammation Laboratory
Cambridge Institute for Medical Research
University of Cambridge
Wellcome Trust/MRC Building
Addenbrooke's Hospital, Cambridge, CB2 2XY

i'm not dead!

2005-08-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

hey guys! sorry to be neglecting the blog lately, but i've been whacko busy with all sorts of miscellaneous stuff. this whole weekend i was the best man for shelby and jennifer's wedding (CONGRATS you two!), plus i'd like to make special mention of the fact that i've NEVER seen anyone consume so much goddamn beer in one 12 hour period as shelby at his bachelor party. that, my friend, was amazing! wellllll... i guess i can't really say that for certain because i was in attendance for addy's 21 run and her subsequent double teaming by two lesbians (clothed but with excellent cleavage). ahhh memories. anyways, where was i? so yea, sunday i played two soccer games which were both lost 1-0 but played (not ref'ed) well. plus, i got offered a spot on the cameroonian team for the local all-nations cup (HUH?). now i know i've been spending a lot of time in the sun, but do i really look like a brother?

ps: i could pull it off

My name is Tristan, and I am ALIVE!

2005-07-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps! I'm back here again to give you another peek at the fuckin' AMAZING muziq underground. I've played THIS BABY about 20 times in the past 2 days and it hasn't lost a bit of its ass-kicking catchiness. If you need a bit of persuasion before you give it a listen, think of Billy Idol as the frontman of Depeche Mode. How tits is that? Damn tits! That's how... Special Thanks to Ultragrrrl!

Mwahahahaha!

2005-07-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm on a roll!

PS: I suggest you begin laughing..... now.
PPS: Thanks, Jed :D

One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.

2005-07-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yo! Since everyone really likes the whole interesting paper thing, I figured I'd post another really cool one. People have probably heard of this, but here's the REAL PAPER. The Gist: Man straps tiny hydrogen sulfide masks on mice, sees mice enter hibernation states not unlike those of bears. Mice awaken with no ill effects and strange craving for raw fish and picnic baskets.

Application: Hydrogen sulfide hibernation in humans could be used to reduce collateral damage from scotch-loving surgeons and incapacitate two year olds.

Payback's a bitch

2005-07-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Shuck it England. Shuck it. And Shuck it haaard...

We're all genetic ants in need of chemotherapy

2005-07-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

Lance Armstrong is a freak. The man needs to be dissected and studied. Either that or he needs to impregnate every woman in sight so that everyone can share in the bounty that is his freakiness.

The coolest part is there’s actually a scientific paper in the Journal of Applied Physiology detailing his… physiology. The Conclusion: Lance’s blood lactic acid levels are so low it's like he's on elephant tranquilizer, the cancer surgeries and chemotherapy were basically just a masochistic diet plan, and his 8% muscular efficiency increase is due to muscular changes in type II myosin to type I (the endurance kind).

All in all, from 21 to 28 years old, Lance experienced an 18% increase in power/kg body weight. Plus, he’s got a 33% bigger heart than the average man of comparable size, it pumps 200 mL of blood with every beat (average is 100 mL), and his heart rate is only 20-24 beats per min (average is 72). THAT, my friends, is INSANE! Can you imagine? His heart beats once every 3 SECONDS! He’s a FrankenFREAK! I wonder if ‘organ donor’ is stamped on his driver’s license…

PS: special thanks to big H. for finding the paper!

Lend them your ears

2005-07-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

Another orchestral hybrid song! Not only is it just starting to catch on, but people are already experimenting with strings further. This baby's got an indie rocker's voice over jungle beats and accompanying a violin, cello, and piano... HOW FREAKIN' SWEET IS THIS?!

Let's try something

2005-07-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE! Cross your fingers, hold your breath, and splash your roommate with cheap rum cuz I think I've got a good chance at being a Clinical Research Fellow in Health Informatics at the University of Manchester! I've got that warm feeling in my belly on this one, although it could be diarrhea... in any case, I want to have a million four leaf clovers and ass-whomping karma on this one.

Disclaimer: Maybe I'll get it and maybe I won't. In all probability they have more qualified/enthusiastic applicants so in the event of my prancing through the posies, I am now going to tear myself down a bit... and light a candle next to my bed/couch.

Gay? Me? Nah....

2005-07-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

In order to nip this potential firestorm in the bud before it starts snowballing... NO, that is NOT me in the Gay Games eventhough there is another allegedly attractive "Mike Inouye, Seattle WA" out there. As evidence, I point out that I won the bronze in the 'Bantamweight' category, which means that I shop in the little boys section of JC Penney. As many of you know, I am nothing short of a chiselled juggernaut. So BLAM! Take THAT Lee! Btw, your identical name twin is pretty fuckin' sexy... I'm definitely going to be thinking of Lee Williams next time :D

A U-Googley, or didn't you think I knew what a U-Googlizer was?

2005-07-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Now, I know everyone has probably googled their own name and seen what, if anything, they have done is internet worthy. Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I'd like to share MY RESULTS with you. Not only am I a comedian named Mike "The Unpronouncable" Inouye, but at the bottom of the first page you'll see that I won the hot body competition at the 2002 Gay Games. That's right. In the Interverse, I'm not only FUNNY, but HOT as well... and gay... so very gay...

God Save the Queen

2005-07-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS:

Where to begin? London's been attacked by Al-Qaida, 3 tube trains and a double-decker bus were hit by bombs. So far, 37 people have been killed and 700 injured. Awful. Absolutely horrifying. I cannot even express my grief for the people and the city in general as I was riding those same underground routes just 6 months ago. To all my British buddies: let me know that you and your families are ok.

The only things I feel right now are the immense sorrow and pangs of rage that followed the 9/11 attacks. Watching the twin towers fall and watching a double decker bus ripped in half are synonymous in my eyes, and it just shows how uncolored and nationless the world has become. If these attacks are designed to strike at the heart of the civilized world, then the best thing we can do is band together and show these fuckers how tight our ranks are. If you're not holding a gun (like I hope most of you are not), then say a prayer or burn some incense or have a pint for the British. Underneath all those flags, we really are the same people.

Movie obseshions and nonsensical banter...

2005-07-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

Hey hey everyone! I’m back with a couple movie reco’s! I haven’t seen this many movies in like the past 11 months but now the flood gates are peeking open… who knows, you may see me swinging from the racks at Scarecrow Video. So, first off. Go see…

My Summer of Love

It’s this really Virgin Suicides looking tale of growing up in a small English town. Basically, these two girls meet (one rich, one poor) out in the fields and they begin to hang out. So one thing leads to another and they fall in love, which is obviously for the best cuz all the other guys in town are wankers. This includes poor girl’s brother (they live by themselves above a pub) who is a giant cross planting, new born Christian. The movie really isn’t for pervs as the whole young girl lesbian thing is treated really innocently and never seems awkward or dirty (this same thing cannot be said of the people who sat in back of the theater). On the whole, I REALLY loved it and hopefully the indies will begin making more of these pictures: where there are no judgements, no moral hand-waving, just a moment in time ending where something more begins.

Me and You and Everyone We Know

This baby was concocted by a performance artist, and, boy, does she know what she’s doing. Remember that performance art masterpiece with that guy who stuck needles in his legs, then sowed them together? Well, this is just like THAT sans S&M. It is SO weird and SO unpredictable and SO fresh that you really just have to see it for yourself. You’ll love it. Trust me. It’s a bit of a love story, but seriously it never felt like a chick-flick. I was laughing my ass off just as hard as the Titanic crowd. Oh and if you do go check it out, there’s an ingenious 7 year old who comes up with a new sex position in which you and your partner line up each other’s butts and “poop back and forth.”

Well that’s about it, I’ve really just been drinking a lot (La Fin du Monde!) and shooting tons of pool. Oh and the job thing has yielded squat but then it’s only been 2 weeks. Tomorrow it’s the Gold Cup over at Seahawks Stadium with the footballin gang! Exciting! Now I’ll finally get to see the sun glaring off Donovan’s head! That guy’s forehead is high enough to hang a curtain. But then again, it IS his show isn’t it?! TIS! (hahahaha… ok it’s late, Mike Out)

Damn you, Sandra Day O'Connor!!

2005-07-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard, Associate Justice Sandra O'Connor is resigning from the U.S. Supreme Court as soon as a replacement can be confirmed... Bush et al. are licking their chops, man. Trust me, this can only end badly. Therefore, to preempt Bush's inevitable hard right nominee, I am going to go toe to toe with him and nominate my own Justice to the Supreme Court... CARROT TOP

A radical punk wave? maybe...

2005-06-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Remember a couple months ago when I was raving about the cello riot grrl punk of Matson Jones - Welcome Home, Mr. Audiotechnica? Well, this cello punk is beginning to catch on a bit. There's a new track up on fluxblog RIGHT HERE and it's AMAZING! Give it a download and see what you think...

Research funding and lesbians

2005-06-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

So for those interested, the job outlook is actually not bad at all for B.Sc./M.Sc.’s. It’s just that I want to work outside the U.S., a WHOLE different bag of worms, including (if I secure a visa) being fingerprinted upon entrance to foreign country. Can you imagine THAT? Mike fingerprinted?

“No, Officer. Please don’t. I’m just a lowly immigant.”

“Look ya wanker. Your prints were all over that marmite jar. The national crime database told me so.”

In the mean time, I’m just kind of hanging. My aunt Karen and her husband Tom are some kind of big shots in the international pharm bidness, I’ve been cornering them and torturing their toes for some gold nuggets of career advice. Karen finally caved and got me a place in this “Community Leaders Briefings” at the Seattle Biomedical Research Institute (SBRI); they do global infectious disease research on Malaria, Trypannosomes, and the like. I don’t really wanna work for them, but I got to tour their labs and lose consciousness when they began their funding pitches. I don’t think they minded my involuntary head bobbing (shout out to Andrew!) as I was also dressed in muddy shoes, untucked shirt, and sporting a crotch hole big enough to fly a small aircraft through. It was interesting though and I got some good information out of it. Namely, that for as little as $1,000 dollars I can become a SBRI “pioneer” and get my own test tube in the lobby.

Afterwards, I decided that I would do the only thing that I am really interested in at the moment: Sip ultrasmooth café mochas at Vivace in Capital Hill while reading the morning paper and having eye sex with the barista’s tig bitties. Unfortunately, I could see under her wife-beater that her deltoids were bigger than mine. And when taken in context with her multi-colored faux hawk and her septum being much more pierced than mine, I decided that my chances of playing kickball on the same team as her were high. But hey, I can always dream can’t I?

Weekly Obsession Mix (part VIII)

2005-06-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

1. Death Cab for Cutie – Title and Registration (the more I hear this song, the more I hate it)
2. The Decemberists – The Sporting Life (a nostalgic ode to playing teenage sports… I swear a whole movie could pop out of this song)
3. The Libertines – What Katie Did (induces massive head bobbing by the best FORMER band of the past 5 years)
4. Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Part 1 (smoking gargantuan amounts of crack hazardous to your health and sanity? Nah…)
5. Zero 7 – Polaris (it starts out as kind of a noir piece a la Blade Runner, then descends into some freaky shite)
6. Babyshambles – Killamangiro (ok, it’s catchy and light and fun. BUT GODDAMMIT PETE, pull your coked up head out of your ass and make up)
7. The Futureheads – Alms (SXSW has somewhat set these guys loose on America, but I still don’t think the standard radio listener will realize how BRILL-FUCKITY-ILLIANT they are. If I can get one person to go out and buy/steal their harmonic punk self-titled album, I’ve done my part)
8. Broken Social Scene – Anthems for a 17 Year Old Girl (totally not a usual social scene, but that banjo is fuckin COOL)
9. Sunny Day Real Estate – In Circles (the very beginning of emo as we know it, it’s all there)
10. A Frames – Eva Braun (Out of tune and swirling around like a morbidly obese kid swinging at a piñata, I’m utterly in love with this song and want to take it home and feed it double chocolate cake so that it can keep shaking its fat ass)

Bitter Sweet.

2005-06-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Holy shit. The whirlwind is over. It's always a shock when you realize something truly amazing is over. I’m now sitting at the same desk that I was at last September before I moved to LA, how the hell do things change this much? I seriously want to bludgeon the guy who said life is circular. Now, I’m trying to reintegrate back into my Seattle frame of mind, at least for a while. So far it ain’t easy.

So I’ve now finished my time at UCLA and gotten my masters. What the hell was I supposed to do now? Oh yea… that J-O-B thing. That’s just getting started as my west coast odyssey has ended.

It all began with an AMAZING gathering at the Westwood Brewery. I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS! Someday soon I’m going to jump back into the arms of LA and we’ll all be one big surrogate family again. We all ate and drank awesome beer and recounted wildly humiliating stories about yours truly. But I think the highlight of the evening was when my roommate called and informed me that I had stolen his room key and he was locked out barefoot and holding his laundry. Fuck It! Fuck It! Fuck It! What better way to enjoy my final minutes in LA than being with my dear friends while an overweight, gay dude sits outside my apartment holding his underwear. Could my escape from LA be any sweeter? Finally, I caved in as Craig and Tracy drove me back to my building, and I lobbed the key over the gate. Then off to LAX we went! Boise here I come!

The funeral was nice. People cried and my dad said goodbye to his mother for about half an hour before the casket was closed, but it definitely wasn’t as awful as my grandpa’s funeral some 7 years ago. I swear though, my family has this awfully morbid sense about death. All the old people start cracking jokes about their own deaths while they are shoving raw fish in their mouths. Is anyone else a bit weirded out by funeral behavior? Anyways, the best part was seeing my long lost cousins again. One of them, Nikki, is now living in Seattle so we’re definitely going to hang out and catch up. All I can remember of her is that she used to kiss me a lot in our driveway when we were six. Unfortunately, she’s got a boyfriend now so no more cousin lip wrestling… damn. After the funeral, I hot tailed it down to the Boise airport and jumped onto my flight for San Francisco. I was so goddamn tired and narco that I knew if I closed my eyes there was no way even a rough landing would wake me up. This was remedied by blasting The Futureheads at about 120 decibels. We landed at SFO at 2 AM. I literally took a dozen steps and collapsed on the nearest bench. Somehow, I woke up with a SPIN magazine on my head… I figure I must have picked it up, started reading it at some point that night, then suddenly fallen asleep and dropped it on my head.

So long story short(ish), I found Dan in SFO at about 9 AM, got his apartment keys (THANKS DUDE!!!), rode the BART/MUNI over to Haight/Ashbury, and recollapsed. The next few days were spent wandering the Haight, Mission district, Castro, Downtown, Chinatown, and taking the BART over to Berkeley to meet up with Heather and all her AWESOME friends. And Zachary’s ohhhhh Zachary’s… when will we ever meet again? Her pizza so sweet and her beer so smooth. I will forever dream of her when I am making love to a topping-laden Chicago style. And who will ever forget rummaging through the Volvo for clean underwear below a dark overpass. Oh Berkeley, there is charm about you…

Sunday came and it was time to say goodbye to wonderful SF. Heather and Petey stopped by in the White Stallion. There were just a few more business things to take care of as Heather and I sat down to go over our students’ grades while Petey went around the apartment picking up my things.

Mike: “Uh Petey, we haven’t known each other long, but you know those are dirty right?”
Petey: “Hmmm…”

I guess one of us had to fold up my underwear of the past 3 days… LOL! Oh but what can I say about the next couple days? Nonstop laughter. I can't say I didn't contribute either :D City boy Mike trying to camp. Hauling firewood in clubbing shoes. Chopping down a bush with my hammer. Putting out my hand to pet a fast approaching guard dog. Lighting up my graduate school work to get the fire going. Bathrobes, Michael Jackson, The Killers, shin guards… Firelight talk, pissing in the shower, roasting peppers, kicking Heather out of her own car… There will never be a more spastic roadtrip. PERIOD.

We rolled into Seattle covered in soot and smelling like we’d had a domestic with the deodorant. It was straight to my parents’ (tree)house for some gourmet food, salted baths, and relaxation. Seattle could not have been better to us. Heather, Petey, and I hung out at cafes and pubs, visiting little jewels here and there and blazing around in a different breed of stallion. I can’t say how amazing it was. We capped it off with a soccer game (I almost got the ball onto the freeway…) and some La Fin du Monde and proffiteroles at a French Café in Capital Hill. The next morning Heather fitted the White Stallion with new, legal tires and, sadly, we said our goodbyes.

Petey: You are a nuisance to the world, NEVER CHANGE ;D

Heather: If you ever stop laughing out loud, I'm going to hop the next plane and come find you... and there will be hell to pay, oh belieeeeve you me. (you know I'd do it too)

EVERYONE: We’ll see each other soon, the world is as small as you make it…

Present: Reality has set in and I’m having the worst time slowing down to suburban Bellevue/Seattle life. It’s like living on a VERY beautiful island and while it is absolutely wonderful (especially to grow up in), it just feels a bit stifling. The pulse of the world is elsewhere.

The job thing is going ok. I’ve sent out about 10 resumes so far, but I plan on doing at least 100. In the meantime, I’m playing soccer on three teams, catching up with my amazing friends, and replacing my rattyass wardrobe. I’ve finally noticed that 3 years of wearing the same shirts results in some gnarly sweat stains. Now that I’ve got FAR too much time on my hands, I promise I’ll be updating more and sharing my slightly bizarre thoughts/adventures with the world :D

My schedule

2005-06-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

Tuesday:
10:00 - wakey wakey
10:30 - study study
11:30 - mass spec/proteomics final exam
12:15 - eat pizza
12:25 - continue exam
14:00 - say goodbye to friends
18:00 - pack stuff into heather's car
19:00 - drive to LAX
20:45 - fly to boise, idaho

Wednesday:
00:15 - land in boise, idaho
00:45 - sleeeeeeeep
09:00 - jar awake from sound of horse shit
10:00 - attend grandmother's funeral
11:00 - carry casket
12:00 - eat idaho food
13:00 - entertain family with witty comments and laugh at 5 foot asian man drinking hard scotch, making lewd comments, and sucking teeth
21:00 - fly to san francisco

Thursday:
01:00 - arrive at SFO
02:25 - jerk awake with awful crick in neck
08:00 - meet dan in SFO to pilfer his apartment keys
09:30 - arrive at dan's apartment at haight/ashbury
09:35 - throw HUGE Mike-has-arrived-in-SF partay with special guest: myself and a bottle of Rolling Rock

* next 72 hours will be vaguely remembered but fondly recollected *

Sunday:
XX:XX - meet up with heather and petey and my stuff
XX:XX - drive north into redwoods... camp

Monday:
09:00 - awaken to sound of girls screaming
09:02 - put pants on
09:30 - drive north to seattle
XX:XX - arrive in seattle
XX:XX - die of exhaustion

Tuesday:
13:00 - resurrection
15:00 - go to cafe solstice
15:20 - have coffee orgasm
16:30 - go to college inn pub
17:00 - become VERY drunk
18:00 - call everyone i know and repent sins

Weekly Obsession Mix (part VII)

2005-06-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

1. Portishead – Rhoads (Live in NYC) (Extreme triphop beat with a fragile, childlike voice at the helm… remember Sour Times?)
2. Sigur Ros – Svefn G Englar (This is probably in my top 10 favorite songs ever, and they aren’t even speaking a real language!)
3. Aphex Twin – 4 (if you haven’t gotten cozy with Aphex Twin yet… what the hell have you been doing with your life? The guy took apart a piano and put it back together at age 7!)
4. The New Pornographers – Letter From An Occupant (disgustingly catchy! That chick is singing like a runaway train. Viva Vancouver!)
5. The Arcade Fire – Rebellion (Lies) (Ultragrrrl was right, “come on, hide your lovers underneath the covers” is the lyric of the year IMO!)
6. Cocteau Twins – Lazy Calm (Sigur Ros should buy these girls drinks)
7. Muse –Time is Running Out (Come on now, I gotta give a shout out to Muse)
8. Slint – Charlotte (These guys invented Alice in Chains I swear, plus that guitar riff should be enshrined)
9. Pavement – Stop Breathin’ (Once you stop cringing, it ain’t so bad)
10. Shout Out Louds – The Comeback (Big Slippa Mix) (extra points for a chorus accordian)

An evening with my roomy

2005-06-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

so i decided that i should spend some quality time with my roommate because i'm leaving VERY soon and, well, i have to admit... i'm going to miss the sick bastard. but now i'm not too terribly sure...

the night began innocuously as i sat between a gap-toothed lesbian and a buttcrack showing gay jew. what does one do in this situation i wonder? well at the time it seemed appropriate to smile and nod when it was asked if i'd like to watch "my friend's performance art masterpiece." so i settle down as my roommate bends further over to pop a homemade dvd into the player.

the piece begins with an asian chick dressed up as britney spears and jumping around to "Toxic." evidently, this is supposed to be a critique of ethnicity in popular culture... uh huh. then comes another girl who uses bible language and quotes to describe an abortion procedure. how nice. then comes the main event:

there's a neon-lit stage with a dude just sitting there. unfortunately, this dude seems to be wearing bare-assed women's lingerie and singing Heart's Alone. i burst out laughing. this is probably the funniest thing i've ever seen! is there anything in the world that could possibly top this?! fuck no, not in my book.

but to my horror, the lingerie clad dude pulls out a sewing kit and puts the pin quill between his legs. then still singing Alone, he pulls out a needle and inserts it delicately through his gartered stocking into the flesh of his leg! i'm mesmerized. he inserts another. and another. and another... so many that his legs are flashing in the neon lights. my ass is glued to the recliner. he grabs the mic cord and walks over to a ladder which he nimbly climbs, finishing the song with a flourish. i am awe struck. nothing. i have seen NOTHING like this before. but wait, the performance is taken to dizzying heights when he starts in on a song from The Little Mermaid, jumps off the ladder, walks over to the sewing kit, and proceeds to USE THE NEEDLES TO SEW HIS LEGS TOGETHER!

let's freeze frame here for a sec: dude is now sitting on the ground, wearing thong lingerie, needles sticking out of his legs which i might add have been freshly sewn together... and he's singing THE LITTLE MERMAID.

i really don't know how to end this story. let's just stop here before any more damage is done.

Saterday

2005-06-04T23:53:00.001-07:00

Yo yo yo, been a while... i've gotten in the habit of going down for brunch at Elysee (the french bakery) on the weekends and doing my grading or what have you. i'm quite a klutz when it comes to keeping my coffee and other people's lab reports separate :D today i did a good job and only hit my jeans and the back of my (unaware) neighbor's shoe. also hooked up with neil, jesse, and heather later on to go to the LA Galaxy v. Metrostars down at the Home Depot Center. What an AWESOME game! Cobi Jones (me and neil have decided) is the love child of Bob Marley and the Predator. the fucker is 5 foot nothing and down right frightening. makes me want to grow dreads and play winger. anyways, sushi and green tea was dinner followed by the inevitable sushi coma in which i am still swimming happily. maybe i should make some tea of the english breakfast type and really drive my dreamy haze of a frontal lobe over the edge... mmmmmmmmmm....

Weekly Obsession Mix (part VI)

2005-06-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

1. The Kills – Love is a Deserter (Infamous for making random people suddenly drop on the dance floor and start fucking)
2. Terranova – Close the Door (Chill chill trip hop, flop onto your ratty couch and light up)
3. Supergrass – Moving (CLASSIC! All swoopy then it dives down into mad move busting)
4. Supersystem – Everybody Sings (Fuckin awesome! 70 funk, 90’s R&B, and 80’s dance all in one)
5. Ride – Vapour Trail (Dreamy, will kick your ass out the right side of the bed)
6. Matchbook Romance – Your Stories, My Alibis (Emo/Hardcore to rival romance of the chemical variety)
7. Autolux – Sub-Zero Fun (I’m pushing this band for a VERY good reason)
8. The Delgados – Come Undone (Part of the quirky, emotional rock that The Arcade Fire are flagshipping at the mo)
9. Le Tigre – My My Metrocard (Try not to dance to this!)
10. The Music – One Way In, No Way Out (Are these guys big? If not, they damn well should be HUGE!)

The home stretch...

2005-05-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

Been working like a japanese beaver lately. Damn you desire! Why can't I be like the Buddha and realize that life is suffering and the cause of suffering is my imperfect existence? Damn you Buddha! I wants my musics, my pizza slices, my imported beers, and my masters! I want them NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! Anyways, after my existential crisis (and ballbusting workload), I'll start posting more interesting stuff... hasta

BTW, I'm downloading this really cool Knights of Templar history dealie by this really overeducated professor brit. Oh and I've paid my last month's rent (YAY!), started selling my shit, reined in my loaned dvds, and gotten my last 12 pack of Stella. Is Seattle ready for my ressurrection???

BBTW, check out this blog! It's a collection of postcards on which people have written their deepest secrets and sent in... SO INTERESTING!

Weekly Obsession Mix (part V)

2005-05-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

1. Autolux – Angry Candy (Blows my sox off! An LA act that perfectly captures the jaded dream. Watch out, these guys are going to burn a hole in the charts.)
2. The Pillows – Hybrid Rainbow (Japanese pop man, it ain’t just for weirdoes anymore… I think…)
3. So Many Dynamos – When We Were Machines (Damn… I mean, this mix is fuckin’ incredible. This week has been mint.)
4. My Chemical Romance – Helena (I can’t get this song out of my head! This is the end of my resistance. Emo has fused with hardcore!)
5. Bloc Party – Banquet (Not incredibly imaginative but they do it SO well)
6. The Decemberists – The Sporting Life (The whole album, Picaresque, is unfuckinbelievable!)
7. Stars – Ageless Beauty (more Montreal madness. With any luck Arcade Fire will be touring with these peeps, thus setting hearts afire)
8. Ambulance Ltd – Yoga Meets Union (Sonic Youth with teeth sans acid)
9. IBY – Edge of the Ocean (duotone mix) (Sooo chill, sooo smooth. I’m dozing on the beach in Greece)
10. Engineers – One in Seven (Continuing the dream…)

When mumus go wrong...

2005-05-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

My high school

2005-05-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

I just recently found out that my high school, Newport HS, has been ranked as #32 in Newsweek’s list of “America’s Best High Schools.” Is this a joke? Is Newsweek now employing multi-million dollar Microsoft heirs and heiresses with budding coke addictions and full-fledged eating disorders? Not only that, but all four Bellevue, WA high schools are very highly ranked… which just judging from the list would make Bellevue the most “prestigious” and “intelligent” place in the country to get an education.

Let me give you some quick facts about Newport. Almost my entire graduating class (300) went into fraternities and sororities. We had all of THREE token “skaters” at our school (I hung out with them because they were the only ones who could string coherent sentences together without a dozen stoppages with the word, “like”). Dating girls was akin to getting Indian burn from a buzz saw. Every chick there (not counting the lesbians) was insidiously boring, requiring constant priming and ego massaging from her letterman jacket wearing girlfriends. Oh and yes, almost everyone was an insane athlete, got into the very “best” university, and had nice, fat cat parents. Sounds like a teen movie doesn’t it?

Well, I’ll let you know the darker side of that school. I was in orchestra my freshman year (that’s right, laugh it off) and while we were wearing loaner tuxedoes and making Beethoven sound like a four year old with a mallet and some horsehide, our conductor/teacher was banging half the violin section. Oh those poor petite things. He never made his way over to the cello or bass section. No, sir.

And let’s not keep the baseball team under wraps. Let’s just say that there was some serious hazing on my varsity team. Some things should remain unsaid, but let’s use our imaginations while I softly mention the words “pumping” and “slapping.” Yea, we eventually made the local papers. It was glorious. And only two minor players were suspended after almost every senior had cock slapped and anally pumped every lowly, wide-eyed freshmen. What great team chemistry we had. You can take my word for it that I didn’t fit in at all and decided that I would rather dress everyday publicly on the diamond than in the sticky, cave-like locker room.

But then there was Mr. Prufer. He was all of, I think, 25 at the time but he had the educational skills of a god. This guy was quality at its essence. I was part of his first class and his energy, lateral thinking, and ability to use analogy was unparalleled. I had never seen anything quite like it. He would blow through 19th century and World War history like it was a grand tale to be told around a licking fire with a few pints. My eyes would dilate and I wouldn’t notice anything except that 18 square foot sliver of space that he occupied for 5 hours of my week. I’m the type who LOVES stories so, whether I wanted to or not, I became a star pupil. I secretly wrote lessons for his coming classes and he actually used them. Our whole literary criticism section was based on essays I had picked out the previous week. No one had any idea there was collaboration going on. When it came time for me to graduate, Prufer gave me the tattered, first edition essay collection I had read, cherished, and worshipped for a solid year. It holds the edgiest works of Bertrand Russell, Ayn Rand, William Golding, Rousseau and Nietzsche among others and sits in safety between hundreds of fantasy novels at my parent’s house. When I go back there, I plan to read them all.

What’s the point of all this? I’m not too sure myself. First, I rag on Newport and its statutory rape/homosexual assault culture and then I idolize one of its social studies teachers. Can I make up my mind how I feel about high school? Well I know the answer to that: NO. It’s a chaotic time. Some people love it, then crash and burn when they graduate. Others HATE it, want it to crumple into a ball then wink out of existence, but then these people blossom in their 20’s and look back fondly on that one or two teachers who lit their fires. All the shit you had to wallow through in order to find that spark of inspiration, it was worth it wasn’t it? Well, maybe yes and maybe not. But you did it anyways, and now you can’t imagine yourself anywhere else or doing things any other way.

America’s #32 high school? Bullshit. The only thing anyone gets with their diploma is an idea of who they want to become.

Champions League blues

2005-05-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

DAMN YOU MALDINI!!!
DAMN YOU CRESPO!!!

LIIIIVAAAPOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
LIIIIIIIIIIIIVAAAPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

Quickie

2005-05-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

So just a quick post to let you peeps know what’s going on in my life at the moment. I’ve got about a million lab reports to grade, homeworks, 2 presentations, a paper, and 2 exams to prepare for. These final few weeks are by no means going to be a cake walk to my masters. AHHHH! There’s a stress yell. To top it off, I’ve found out that working in London is going to be harder than I initially thought, but I’ve taken steps to remedy this injustice. I’ve got some AWESOME peeps on the inside who are working the ropes trying to find an employer to sponsor me, plus I’m being evaluated for a Highly Skilled Migrant Worker permit (or some bullshit like that). I was told that I have “good potential”, but we’ll see how that ends up. On the flip side, I’ve found no shortage of jobs in NYC so if this whole Mike-as-an-immigant thing doesn’t work out, then I’ll (boohoo) move to NYC. Damn. Could this world be any more unfair? :D Oh well, in the words of Johnny Depp: “FUCK IT.” Time to head down to Starbucks (UGH! Can't wait for the independents of Seattle) and do my intellectual thang…

This absolutely freaks my shit.

2005-05-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE for supernatural proof!

Weekly Obsession Mix (part IV)

2005-05-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

1. Collide – Euphoria (Industrial meets suicidal siren)
2. The Hives – Two-Timing Touch and Broken Bones (These guys need Xanex)
3. Guided by Voices – Smothered in Hugs (the best REAL garage band around)
4. Jeff Buckley - Yeh Jo Halka Halka Saroor Hai (at his goofy best. Damn you Jeff! Why couldn’t you swim?!)
5. Hooverphonic – 2Wicky (Remember trip hop? I do!)
6. MC Solaar – Solaar Pleure (I don’t care what he’s saying, French rap is gorgeous!)
7. Slowdive – When the Sun Hits (The only shoegazing song around that’s on a par with any of My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless)
8. Lamb – Gorecki (Tears man, tears…)
9. Ladytron – Seventeen (Some of my happiest times were at Café Solstice while this song was playing)
10. Razorlight – Stumble and Fall (cut the rug, seriously)

One Flew Over Mike's Head

2005-05-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life I’ve been told the story of Nurse Ratchet and Randle McMurphy. It’s one I knew I’d get to know far more closely than just a hug and a handshake; my race-straddling birth sealed that. To hear Chuck Palahnuik (aka Unadulterated Genius) tell it is a funny bone tingling pleasure, and it drives me to always uncover those 3rd, 4th, and 5th roads. Believe me, they’re there.

Get Chucked here

Hilla von Rebay and modern art

2005-05-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

She was an advisor to the Guggenheim Museum (in NYC) in the 1940’s, but she did some incredible art when she wasn’t putting together exhibits. I dunno why but I really like these pieces, and I’m not exactly what you’d call a big “modern art” fan... except for canvas slasher, Lucio Fontana:

Isn’t that cool?! Anyways, here’s von Rebay’s works (these pics are from NYtimes… oh and Mel, ENJOY! ;D)

Quiet

Untitled

Veraline

Staccato

SURVEY!!!

2005-05-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have a bit of a problem and who better than my friends to give their opinions. I’ve burned much midnight oil and gotten very drunk trying to figure out what job I would like to try my hand at FIRST (this means I’m not opposed to bouncing around). I’ve got a list that includes scientific journalist, genetic counselor, and male stripper in no particular order… I can’t decide, there’re AWESOME aspects to everything! DAMN YOU OPTIMISM!!! I just need more ideas! ANYTHING! Click on the ‘comments’ link right below this message if you can help me!! Dan, dude, I KNOW you have ideas ;D (before we even begin, it is ILLEGAL to have sex for money)

Funny Bunny

2005-05-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Don’t you just love how every time I get a brain cramp I just cite someone else’s work? Then again, Bunny is one cool chick so if you love an AWESOME road trip story with some serious divine intervention…

HAVE AT IT!!

The door in the back of my head… how to spend a morning and afternoon with Mike

2005-05-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

I wake up at 8 AM to my roommate’s mumbles and playful banter with his imaginary friend. When he’s done discussing high Victorian literature with Johnny Make Believe, the kettle starts whistling, and he coos and soothes it as he takes it off the stove, pouring it lovingly into his French press. Normally, I’d be worried about this. Like is he going to suddenly start yelling at the kettle, run into my room, and beat me to death with it. But then again, I kinda like living with a delusional freak. Makes me feel normal.

I lie neked in bed for an hour, staring up at the ceiling. I like to call this random thought time. What the hell am I doing with my life? Why is the chick in the Starbucks logo spread eagle? And what’s that smell? Among other things… it turns out there is an angry cheese monster rearing its sadistic head from a two week old pizza box in the corner. I attempt to dress myself, fail, and saving the embarrassment for later, take this and a dozen Newcastle bottles out to the recycling. In a fit of clairvoyance, I realize cheesy pizza boxes cannot be recycled, so I run back outside and stick a note to the box instructing the recycling man as such. I pat myself on the back for being so considerate.

My roommate thankfully left for class as I was lying in bed. I walk barefoot on coffee grounds out to the kitchen and put the kettle on for my breakfast tea. The sole culinary article I use is a plastic spoon that I stir my tea with… and it is missing from the dish rack. WHERE THE HELL IS MY SPOON???!!! I react to this quite poorly by cursing the Gods and swearing death upon that late night hack, Jay Leno. I scour the washer, the drawers, and in a panic, even consider crossing the crusted threshold of my roommate’s room. I find said spoon on my desk. This figures.

After much difficulty in choosing which pair of pants (jeans or khakis) and which shirt (blue collared or white T) to wear, I am off to school walking as slowly as possible. I am savoring the orchestral genius of Mercury Rev on my iPod. The strings dip and dive under the lead singer’s oh-so-fragile voice, and my mind’s eye is a night sky bursting with stars when I suddenly spy the infamous Walk of Shame. Her hair is matted, her blouse wrinkled, and her make up smudged. Bingo… and she’s walking down the steps of a frat. This is just too easy. I find Hendrix’s Foxy Lady and crank the volume as she hobbles past.

I arrive at the biochemistry building with little fanfare and crawl up two flights of stairs to my lab where I check on last night’s experiment. Yup, they’re all dead. Good job, Mike. Time to blame something else. Obviously, it was the cells’ fault. Just not competent enough. Could it have been the ligation reaction? No. Impossible. I am too good and meticulous for such things. After 8 minutes I decide that I have had enough research for the day, so I sit down at my computer and check email. Sometime later, I regain a sliver of conscious thought and am sitting in a dark classroom struggling to stay awake even though my eyelids are wide open. I begin to sing The Futureheads’ Hounds of Love in my head. Victory is mine!

Afterwards, I wander to the toilet. As I sit there in boredom, I notice a particularly good limerick above the toilet paper dispenser. It is an eerily accurate caricature of Karl Marx saying something typically inane and worthy of a swift blow to the balls.

“Deez is funny. I like deez one. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!”

I continue giggling until I hear the dispenser in the next stall begin to spin frantically. I loudly slap my hand over my mouth to stop giggling. This only makes the toilet paper go faster. There is a flush and I can see an expensive pair of loafers running away from me. I feel bad for this poor chap, but then a thought occurs to me and I break into a sweat... What have I done? Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Johnny Make Believe...

A Moment of Reflection

2005-05-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

As I listen to the fuck music and male groaning dual coming out of my roommate’s bedroom following his date, I am reminded of my own favorite songs to sexercise by. These are the songs that have never failed to send roommates running and head boards cracking, each with its own distinct brand of inspirational vigor (well, not really). And without further delay… Mike’s Top 5 casbah rockers:

1. Rob Zombie – Feel So Numb
2. Massive Attack – Angel
3. Nine Inch Nails - Closer*
4. Peaches – Fuck the Pain Away
5. Tenacious D – Kielbasa

*Duh

Weekly Obsession Mix (part III)

2005-05-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

1. The Avalanches – Since I Left You (You can see the ravers sucking pacifiers and dancing among the flowers)
2. Built to Spill – Still Flat (Pavementesque, but the lead singer’s not on crack)
3. Coldplay – The Scientist (C’est ma biographie, n’est pas?)
4. Tricky – Overcome (From the lez scene in Strange Days… wow)
5. This Mortal Coil – Song to the Siren (Every so often, Goth reaches out and plugs me with its sadness serum, but then again, Ms. Dickinson was lovely wasn’t she?)
6. DJ Mystik – Moonlight Shadow (DDR baby!)
7. Scout Niblett – Lullaby for Scout in Ten Years (I can just picture her in fishnets, bogarting the mic)
8. Lush – Lovelife (Let the Shoegazing begin!)
9. Mercury Rev – Holes (ASTONISHING! Words are useless in comparison!)
10. Ooberman – Running Girl (Everything about this song is gorgeous! Reminds me of slowly spinning underwater or snow falling in the street)

An Ode to ADD

2005-05-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

ADD can be defined as an inability to pay attention to certain things, such as school, work, long newspaper articles, or the three boobied ex-Gladiator you are dating. It is an almost integral part of our society now, what with all those 30 second commercials, 4 minute pop songs and such. Therefore, I am not the least bit ashamed to admit that I am, yes, a severe ADD sufferer.

In the interest of full disclosure, several of my more serious manifestations of ADD are as follows:

1. REFUSAL TO INTERPRET LECTURE MATERIAL CORRECTLY...

I swear this cell posed for its EM picture

Ahhh battleship, those were the days

Is mutation really that bad?

2. SHOCKINGLY INSENSITIVE DAYDREAMS OF DEAD CELEBRITIES...

3. DEFIANCE OF EVEN THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF WORK...

4. PREMATURE DISTRACTION BY PURTY SHOES...

5. IGNORANCE OF REPEATED WARNINGS...

6. AND FINALLY, THE REAL REASON WHY I AM KICKING MY OWN ASS OUT OF GRAD SCHOOL...

You MUST see this trailer!

2005-05-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

this is the greatest thing since Citizen Kane!! check it out!

The Incredible Spiderbabe!

although i'm not the biggest fan of it, there's something to be said for lesbian porn. when a pig-tailed, nerdy loser gets bitten by a tarantula, i feel her pain. when she drops to her ass, starts masturbating, and shoots projectile spiderwebs from her spiderhole to foil evil-doers everywhere, i weep tears of joy... for at last we have found the voracious half-arachnid trixie who will save mankind!

(btw, link provided by Ultragrrrl. i've finally recovered from uncontrolled fits of laughter and am now listening to Slint while eating Gorilla Munch)

TENTATIVE future!

2005-05-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

ok, i've been throwing ideas around in my head for a couple days now and i'm starting to figure shit out... i graduate from UCLA in mid-june, they'll kick me out of my apartment (university housing) pretty soon after that, then......

1. Drive up to San Francisco to see Dan et al.
2. Somehow get back to Seattle with some of my shit (there's going to be a wildfire sale, trust me)
3. Hang in Seattle with fam/friends until July 30 when Shelby is marrying Supermodel Jen (i'm best man)
4. After that, FLY TO EUROPE AND SEE EVERYTHING THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE!
5. In the autumn, look for job in either NYC or London or (get this...) Montreal
6. Hustle way into said job
7. Declare myself INSANE, begin intensive search for gooey ducks off Ivory Coast

that's my TENTATIVE check list for now... WHO'S COMIN' WITH ME???